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asleep at mal 9/09
8/10/15 13:35 - a little help?
Hi, my name is Kim and I could really use your help. My kitty Pris and my friends have been taking wonderful care of me but I'm disabled and out of work (I have fibromyalgia, Hashimoto's thyroid, chronic fatigue syndrome, transient global amnesia, and a host of co-morbid fubar including losing my hair), and barely get by since my partner broke up with me last year. I need to catch up on bills, refill the one medicine that isn't covered by medi-cal (that costs $500 for about 6 months worth) and go to the dentist, and I can't afford that. Anything you could give would make a big difference - even if it's just sharing this post with friends and family.

I've been selling off my stuff (clothes, furniture, jewelry, computer stuff, etc) since the breakup to make ends sort of meet, but it's not enough to take care of everything and almost all the extra stuff plus a lot of things I would have kept if I didn't need to sell them are gone. I should note that I'm waiting on Social Security and have been struggling with their hoops for 4+ years now; they agree I'm disabled but at the moment seem to think I can work a full-time job anyway (I can't - there are loads of days where I am glad to make it out of bed to the kitchen to feed myself). My family have been a huge help too, and Pris' needs are covered thanks to some wonderful friends, but they've got other problems and can't keep that up indefinitely.

So I'm trying to raise $5000 which should get me caught up and take care of a few months of life except if the dentist needs to do some serious work on my teeth. I know that's a lot of money, but if 500 people gave $10 each (the price of a fancy coffee), I'd be good for a while. Even $1500 would cover my prescription and next month. And any extra would go toward keeping me safe, healthy and in the room I'm renting. We both (Pris and I) like it here a lot - it's inexpensive, the other people in the building are nice and willing to help when I need it, and the location is perfect for both of us.

Please give us a hand if you can? And I totally understand if you're struggling too - I've helped out people when I could in the past, so I get it. But sharing this is a big help, because the more people who see it the more likely I'll get enough to pay for the things I need. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and anything you can do to help.

Thank You,

Kim (and Pris)

8/8/15 10:54 - An apology or two...
asleep at mal 9/09
First, I'm sorry I haven't been here much lately - I've had a ridiculous couple of months and my tablet is broken which makes getting on here to read/post hard. But I need to get back in the habit of checking in; I miss this place. And below is an apology to all those who've been seeing my venting f2f, on failbook or twitter this week - I'm working on it.

Hi all, I wanted to apologize for being off kilter, angry and talking too much about how rough my body was being all week. It's been a while since I've had a stretch quite this bad, where I hurt at such a high level for so much time and it's been really fucking with me. I have bad days all the time, but I usually get good for me days in between, which means I don't get into this loop of it hurts too much to push through like this week was.

At any rate, I'm feeling much more myself today (thank fuck), and I plan to try to be more aware of how often I'm venting in a non-productive way the next time it happens. Oh, and someone asked me to explain my pain scale last night, so here's one way to look at it: https://ssadisabilityandyou.wordpress.com/…/a-new-better-p…/ Or specifically for me, I start an excellent day at a 5, which is I hurt, but I can get some shit done. An 8 was when I fractured my hip as well as when they burned off the surface of my uterus with a laser - for me that's I'm nauseous and fucking fuck but I can deal. 9+ is I hurt so bad I'm throwing up from the pain, and I can't get it under control right now; I've had spikes to 11(that bar was set with an ovarian cyst the size of my fist - the only occasion pain drove me to an ER) a few times this week, and it broke my cope and push through ability for a little bit, but today I'm starting at a 6 and I am going to take it easy to give body a chance to recover.

Anyway, I'll try to do better and not get so swamped with my broken - I didn't realize I was being so weird until I woke up this morning remembering bits of last night. And thank you all for caring, making sure I'm okay, listening, giving me rides and all the other things you've done that helped me get through this week and life in general. My friends/chosen family are amazing and I'm ridiculously glad I've got you around.

edited to add (from failbook conversation):
an addendum: i didn't post this to make anyone feel bad for me, or think i'm brave or strong or whatever, and it's not about any particular interaction. just that i was off, out of it, and probably whiny which i don't like. also, the pain scale stuff is how i cope with my usual multiple daily doses of nsaid and muscle relaxer - even a 5 is rough without meds.

i don't feel bad sharing, more that i think i frightened/worried some folks this week who hadn't seen me like this - in all honesty (in hindsight) i shouldn't have gone out, but i needed the company. and then i was so fuzzy i wasn't myself, and unlike a 'normal' bad day i totally failed at covering/keeping it together.
11/10/14 9:14 - Dune Cosplay part 2
asleep at mal 9/09
First full length photo courtesy of https://www.facebook.com/lou.capuano. It was taken before the costume contest at Bent Con on Saturday; I'm hoping there will be more later as loads of people took pictures, including some with other cosplayers - the new Thor, an incredible Skeletor (he won the costume contest), and loads more I've already forgotten.


And I had multiple questions this weekend about how I made it so...

The sheer striped cotton and the velvet for the headpiece were some of the many remnants I've picked up over the years at the Lip Service warehouse sales - I rarely buy finished clothes from them, but the rolls of fabric leftovers are awesome. The gold was from the fabric district, it's specifically a shop that specializes in African sourced fabrics; I think from Kenya in this case, but I'm not sure. And the trim is leftover from another cosplay project - rounds of satiny cord with sequins which had to be hand-sewn (bleh - not my strong suit).

The headpiece was shaped of 1" foam with a bent coat-hanger inside to give it the curves, and gaff tape wrapping to reinforce the shape and stiffness. It's a bit tight around my head, but it also stays on no problem. After I got the shape, I covered it with the velvet, using some gathering in the center front to keep the valley between the curves sharp; there's also a layer of batting and velvet lining inside so the shape doesn't get wonky because my head is sticking through the frame. If I wear this again, I'll probably re-visit the headdress - I'm not entirely pleased with the way the form fits or it's smoothness under the velvet, and I'd like to be able to wear it longer without a headache.

The dress itself is a modified chiton - two pieces of full width material attached at the shoulders/arms and sewn up the sides: http://www.dl.ket.org/latin1/things/romanlife/greekdress.htm. I wasn't happy with the way it was hanging around the waist and it didn't replicate the movie stills as well as I wanted so I nipped in the waist to under my arms, separating the sleeves from the body of the dress. The gold starts as an overlay, but once past my hips, it is used as a gore to widen the front lower portion of the dress, and at the bottom to lengthen it further. The train is gathered in the center back and runs about 5' from the bottom of the main dress. I'm really pleased with everything except the belt - I need to re-make that with real leather and add the tassels that were front and center in the film version, but I worked with what I had in the stash of pleathers we'd been gifted.

Overall, I really enjoyed making this and how the finished product turned out, even if there are things I would change. I'm not bad at this stuff, but I've had no training except occasional hints from friends which means all my cosplay (and clothing making in general) is of the try it, make it work, go back and re-do the things you want to later. Thank fuck I have a good eye for fabric and lines or none of my stuff would look okay.
11/6/14 16:43 - Halloween 2014
asleep at mal 9/09
Last year, a few of us were planning on costumes from David Lynch's film of Dune. They didn't get finished due to time and $. So my Jessica Atreides Bene Gesserit costume got finished this year. Here's a first look from the club on Halloween night; I'll get some full length pictures this weekend I hope.


And in case you haven't seen the film, one of the stills I pulled as reference for the cosplay:

Picture 1

I'm really happy with how it turned out, and the contacts showed up a lot better than I expected! Yay Hollywood for having them OTC the weekend before for only $30.

And thank you to http://www.violetphotography.com for taking this shot!
asleep at mal 9/09
Oops... I missed this Saturday. Not that I really have anything left to come out about, but from my point of view making myself visible is always good, and my thinking about who I am has definitely become clearer over the years.

Basically, I'm queer, bi/pansexual, genderqueer, hard femme, and polyamorous. But I didn't always know all of that - some of the terms weren't around when I was younger and trying to figure out who I was, and I've grown with time too.

Queer became a part of my life as a teen - when I started working with Act-Up and the gay community to fight for equal rights and proper treatment. At that point, I knew I liked girls but other than the occasional kiss I had only been involved with boys, so I was questioning but not yet bi/pansexual.

I knew I liked girls as well as boys when I was still in school, but I didn't identify as actively bi until my first relationship with a girl when I was in my 20s. And pansexual (which is a better definition), didn't come about until years later and is less known in the mainstream - but it means I'm attracted to people everywhere on the gender spectrum.

Genderqueer and hard femme came into my life in my 30s - I wasn't aware of them until then, but they are both excellent descriptors of who I've always been. Gender is very performative for me, and I deliberately chose to present myself in a way that fits those labels when I was 20 something. I strongly dislike pants (as in I have two pairs in my closet - for the motorcycle), so skirts and dresses with an edge are my daily wear, and I don't like makeup etc so I skip parts that are expected of women and girls even when I'm going out dressed up.

Polyamorous took the longest. I failed and failed at monogamy in my late 20s and early 30s, and then when my ex and I got involved we agreed on an open relationship. We had very few rules, the main ones being don't lie to me (including by omission) and always have safe sex. At first, it was very unbalanced in that he wasn't okay with me seeing other men, just women, which really limited me. Meanwhile, he was hetero and slept with whoever he wanted. Eventually, that changed in a few ways - I got involved with a great male friend, and I had a successful relationship with a stunning and smart woman like me, and somewhere in there I sorted out that I was polyamorous. That basically means multiple loves. In practice, I don't get involved with many people, but knowing that I can and dating someone who does the same is important for me. I'm currently involved with an amazing man who's also involved with a wonderful women with whom he has a newborn (and very cute) daughter. And there are friends who might become more to me - only time will tell. Sometimes poly is complicated, but I'd rather deal with that than fuck up every relationship I have - or not have at least one partner on a regular basis. But I also understand that poly/open relationships don't work for lots of people - this is how I'm wired, it has nothing to do with being queer/bi - and lots of people of all genders/sexualities are wired for monogamy. I thought I was monogamous for years, but as I grew up I realized that I don't do jealousy and I wasn't happy dating someone who acted as if they owned me (which caused friction and was part of the failing from 25ish on). I have too much room in my heart to only love one person and to have them think that loving others (sexual or not) isn't okay, so poly it is.
asleep at mal 9/09
Although these days I primarily see myself as genderqueer, I'm also bi/pan-sexual.


In case you didn't know, today is bisexual awareness day.
8/28/14 16:11(no subject)
asleep at mal 9/09
I just finished reading John Scalzi's excellent Lock In which prompted me to re-read the preqel: http://www.tor.com/stories/2014/05/unlocked-an-oral-history-of-hadens-syndrome-john-scalzi

And at the end of the novella, he writes "The half-life between story of the century and not even the story of the day is quicker than you would ever guess.
But then I ask my students: does this mean that it stops being a story worth telling? And I say to them the real journalists among them know the answer even before I ask the question. And the answer is that the story is worth telling every day. The trick is not to find the story of the century. You won’t miss that story when it happens. No one will miss it. The trick is to find the story of the day and for that day make whoever reads it or hears it care about it so intensely that it doesn’t leave them. Then it becomes a story of their life. Maybe even the story of their life."

And it hit home for me that the media seems to fail at the long tail more often lately. We get one new story after another, but not the threads that tie past to present to potential future. They cover Ferguson (after we yell at them enough) but ignore systemic racism and fail to tie it to the other 4 deaths of unarmed black citizens at police hands in the same week. Gaza coverage ignores the history of virtual apatheid there. Sexual assault/rape is almost always treated as an isolated incident rather than a systemic problem that is deliberately underreported by many police to the tune of 1,000,000+rapes at a minimum since 1995 (http://www.thenation.com/article/180441/how-did-fbi-miss-over-1-million-rapes). We need to demand better.

Also, you should read Lock In; it's a near-future detective novel with 'robots', viruses and amazing tech. Trust me, it's one of the best things I've read this year.
7/21/14 14:04 - Inception and philosophy
asleep at mal 9/09
So I'm taking an online philosophy of film class, and this week we're talking about Inception, dreams vs. reality, and free will.

This was my answer to one of the discussion questions:
Do you ever feel disappointed when you awake from a dream?

As someone who struggles with chronic illness and chronic pain, I dream of life before at times. So yeah I can be sad when I wake. But the world I live in, real or constructed, isn't all bad. There's real love, moments of joy, even rare days when my broken isn't too bad, and I can forget for a little while. That usually involves dancing, which is something I don't dream of, so I'll struggle in this world - the center I find in dance is more peaceful than a dream.
asleep at mal 9/09
Losely inspired by various 'summer of salad' recipes on http://www.seriouseats.com and the tons of 'food porn' currently streaming online.


2 cups of couscous cooked in chicken stock/olive oil (as directed on the package) with added spices - if it's not thoroughly moist, add more stock - you want this moister than usual as it'll be served cool. I used 3 cups of stock for my 2 cups of couscous, when it called for 2 1/2 cups. I would have preferred the pearled couscous, but that wasn't available.
Added spices:
Tumeric - 1 tsp
Cinnamon - 1/4 tsp
Ancho Chili - 1/4 tsp
Cardamom - 1/4 tsp
Cumin - 1/2 tsp
Paprika - 1 tsp
Salt and fresh ground pepper to taste

Grilled vegetables (clean then marinate thoroughly in a mix of olive oil, pesto, salt and pepper). I put an open foil pack of cherrywood wood chips over one burner for added smoky flavor. The vegetable tray went in the center of the grill, with the center two burners off and the outside two on high. Grill until tender and the tomato skins start to split, then chop to smaller size when cool (2-3 pieces per bite).

1 1/2 pounds large crimini mushrooms, cut into sixths or eights to get more surface to grill/smoke
2-3 large red bell peppers, cored, seeded and pushed flat
2 baskets of cherry tomatoes and/or 8-10 smaller regular tomatoes (cut the regular ones in half)
2-3 bunches of asparagus

2 pounds of thick cut boneless pork chops grilled over medium flame (170F) then cut into small pieces when cool. I made a quick marinade of the same spices as the couscous with a bit of oil/balsamic, and let them marinate while the veggies cooked. I pulled the wood chip package before putting the pork on as I wanted a clear flavor difference with the vegetables.

As you get the vegetables chopped, mix in a large bowl, adding the couscous in small batches so it doesn't clump. After they're all in, add a block of feta cheese crumbled, then the pork bites and mix thoroughly. Serve cool, not hot. (I would have also added cucumbers not grilled, but our refrigerator froze them for me).

This is an easy meal to adjust for vegetarians or vegans (replace chicken with vegetable stock, remove cheese/pork, etc) and to swap flavor profiles by changing spices/marinades - this was actually motivated by a thai rice/fish sauce salad which I can't have so... You could sautee or pan roast the vegetables if you don't have a grill or the weather prohibits it's use. And feel free to change up the vegetable choices to whatwever's in season or you like. It would also make a delicious hot side (sans meat) in the colder months, but we're both struggling with eating well in this heat so cool salad sounded good. Leftovers are in a tupperware in the fridge (we'll reheat to room temp as needed), and will be fine for 3-4 days, by which time we'll have finished them.