Log in

asleep at mal 9/09
asleep at mal 9/09
hallowe'en weekend was good if a bit much; i worked the door for the hex hallowe'en ball at monte cristo and froze my but off til i got to go get drinks and things cleared out enough for me to dance a little. i also resized the erte cosplay i did in 2008 or 2009; pictures of that eventually when i get the headpiece fixed and someone to take them.

i've been keeping myself semi-busy fixing all the clothes that are too big as i'm down to consistently tiny and tired of having everything pinned on, plus summer wear i can get away with that, but winter clothes are heavy and don't look right or stay on. we had a few weeks of ludicrous cold snap (like down 25 degrees farenheit in a day) weather here, but thankfully we're back to normal for la fall now, 70s and 80s daytime and 50s nights; cold but doable.

inspired by danabren i've been using nonewsomo to help motivate myself to finish some of the repairs and resizing. starting with the erte cosplay (which was technically october), i've completed repairs on two skirts and have one that needs washed before putting it back together smaller, a shirt/vest, my assassin's creed cosplay, and a bunch of fiddly repairs like loose buttons and nightgowns with holes in them. i've also gotten back to work on my new winter coat, which was at the point of needing sleeves, collar, etc when i put it down two years ago, but when i picked it up again it needed 6" of fabric removed in the upper body before i could resume work. now back to fighting with sleeves - i love the finished product this (now heavily modified) cassock makes, but the sleeves are the bane of my existence every time i work on one of them.

i've also been sleeping a ton as it's cold out, and my body doesn't like that so much. often i get up early-ish for me, then go nap in the sun for a while, other days i've spent 16 hours asleep out of 24. but i'm still getting out with friends whenever i can - i've even found center in dance once or twice recently. oh, and i found out that unlabeled, hidden soy is common in vegetable stock much to my anger - a huge pot of split pea soup with ham that i can't eat and made me sick for a week (i dropped two more pounds which i am still struggling to regain) has been fed to friends.

cut for assassin"s creed cosplay picturesCollapse )
asleep at mal 9/09
last sunday - one of my favorite clubs b4y2k; old school 80's and 90's - synth, goth, industrial, punk, etc. so much good music, people i adore spending time with, and i actually paid for it mostly in advance. bonus flirting with a few friends including my current fwb. someone did steal my nearly full pack of smokes, but meh. i hit center and stayed there for a good while. in other words, as close to perfect as possible.

actual birthday thursday - totally chilled out day of napping with miss pris; i wanted to build up more of a reserve for the weekend

friday - mal was full of good music and people i adore. and rather than grabbing food out after the club, my dd and co came into my place for chicken and rice and conversation. the food was a hit, and i'm lucky to have these people in my life.

saturday - pumpkin carving/bbq was spent talking and eating with occasional cooking duties; the ridiculously huge tri-tip i brought was delicious and i cut off a hunk for sunday's picnic. discretion/valor and all that meant i didn't carve a pumpkin (as usual), but that's just fine. and i was slightly surprised that vicarz came by - it was great to catch up, and he gave me a ride back over the hill.

sunday - six flags was sooo much fun even if we got a really late start. a friend took me to ride coasters, and they are adrenaline junkies too, so it worked ridiculously well. we rode x2, tatsu, apocalypse, twisted colossus twice, green lantern, scream, and golaith twice. i brought in my flask, which meant that adding it to fresh squeezed lemonade made sort-of an amaretto sour. the fright-fest actors were somewhat frustrated with us as they couldn't scare either of us, and on several occasions we scared them - still even without paying for the upgrade to the mazes what we saw of frightfest was well done. and at close we went out to have a post ride tailgate of tri-tip, three cheese bread and cambazola and havarti cheeses with more amaretto for me and iced coffee for them - multiple people walked passed drooling over our belated dinner but we just (unobviously) laughed; not my fault you didn't think of packing a picnic. i'm not sure which is my favorite coaster now - twisted colossus is an amazing fast wooden coaster with multiple corkscrews (yes, upside down) while goliath is a steel coaster that pulls off the hang time of a great wooden coaster. today, given the weather at 10pm+ (fog had rolled in so...) we had this beautiful moon and the park through heavy fog i'd go goliath, but twisted colossus was excellent too. but either way, a phenomenal day for both of us.

in between, i spent a shit-ton of time sleeping to recover and/or to build up energy for the next thing; miss pris was a huge help there as she makes 'kitty sleepions'. that said, tomorrow is definitely another recovery day - i'm okay, but everything hurts plus i'm down to 198.8 lbs (too light). i've even been extra cautious about meals/calories. i also did a lot of thinking about what i wear and shoe choice to minimize the pain, using my cane and/or getting rides with friends, etc. but even being smart about it, pain is. that said, what an amazing week+; i hope my 50th celebration is this good.

i am incredibly lucky to have so many good people in my life; we're all majorly misanthropic but we love and take car of each other. so selective misanthropy for the win?

eta: i lost last sunday to transient global amnesia; the write up was thanks to my friends filling me in on the evening. but i was pretty sure i'd had a blast based on how i felt monday - my legs and hip were balls of pain, which is usually because i've done something fun and i was right.
asleep at mal 9/09
note: fear/terror, sexual harassment, guns, potential gun violence, threats of rape

so a few minutes ago i was checking failbook for a distraction as i was already nearly at full on flight or fight mode because neighbors are having a piercing shrieks, screaming, throwing shit at walls fight; there's not much to be done other than hope they calm down or one of them leaves for a while. and several people posted a meme/experiment that said something close to 'like this if you've never had a gun pulled on you, share it if you have'.

and then that flashback flooded in, something i probably couldn't have remembered yesterday, and will no doubt be gone again tomorrow, and i'm ready to jump out of my skin. entitled asshole guy, my friend and i weren't interested, politely said so, that didn't work, i grew less and less polite, he finally walked down the road home, we were glad he left. his/my/our friends left too (we were outside my college apartment chatting with a group). and then he returned with a gun and started getting really scary. he really wanted us and kept threatening, i kept trying to calm him down while my friend called the sheriff who was no-where near of course, and when he finally got to my place he finished talking asshat down then gave us the boys will be boys lecture - i'm not sure who i was more angry at - guy with gun or sheriff. i can't remember most names, just a youngish blonde guy, skinny and angry who would not take no from me and my friend - for some reason he thought we were a couple who'd like a guy in between, and that lezbos like us should be happy for the attention and the usual macho bullshit. not a big deal in the grand scheme of shit, but it slammed into me like a pack of bricks just now, and i need to get it out.

i have repeatedly mentioned that i'm rather an adrenaline junky, but this is not what i meant. normally that meme would have been an oh yeah, that happened. and oh, for all that i've lived in 'high crime' areas of big cities much of my adult life, the only time i've ever had a gun pulled on me it was a white male asshat in nearly the middle of nowhere country that it happened. instead i got the jolt of adrenaline and a bad memory and angry and shaking; if i actually think about it some guy was threatening our lives because we wouldn't give him sex, and that was just boys will be boys; we still seem to treat such incidents that way if it's a white kid. or at best when he does actually act on his misogynistic understanding of the world and kills someone or many someones he's mentally ill. nope, but our society has a major problem with toxic masculinity and it's infuriating.

btw, i'm sure this could be better written, but if you want to share it feel free. this kind of shit happens endlessly, and we as a society don't seem to notice or we let it drop as inconsequential. another point in the rounds of discussions - it shows that almost nothing has changed since the early 80's except now we can write about it online, and record it with cell phone video if we're lucky. if i'd had a similar camera (they didn't exist then) and the presence of mind to record it would have been supremely interesting source material for one of my angry film school projects a few years later (also the 80's).
asleep at mal 9/09
as i start my 50th year on this mostly fucked up planet, i would love to be surrounded by friends, chosen family and good people. help me make it happen if you're in or able to be in los angeles?

10/18 - ♪♫ B4-Y2K "2.0" ♬♪ https://www.facebook.com/events/891983270890150/- this is my first choice for everyone to come to, and if people want to grab food before or after i'm game - but mostly i want you all to come dance with me ;)
10/22 - actual dob - not sure yet what if anything i'm doing, but if i don't have stuff to do i'm open to suggestions
10/23 - MALEDICTION SOCIETY https://www.facebook.com/maledictionsociety most likely - again with the dancing and friends - and as above, food before or after would not be amiss
10/24 - byop pumpkin carving with east coast expats and a few locals; downtime with my 'family' in all the ways that count
asleep at mal 9/09
in my last post, i mentioned struggling to find the center when i'm dancing, and wondering if it wasn't in part because i was dancing a lot less. nope, apparently not, because for a few minutes at a time friday night i managed to find it before the pain broke through again. the music and my friends and everyone at mal(edcition society) were so on - it seemed like everyone was in a good mood/place. so even when i napped or people watched in 'my' chair or hung out talking i felt good, and my head was clearly focused on music/movement and i got over that edge. so much joy, endorphins that helped make it easier the next time i was dancing, and great energy from everyone on the dancefloor - i can't explain it even remotely. but i am ecstatic to have hit that sweet spot where the world falls away and the pain doesn't matter and it's just me in motion to the music. i felt whole and at peace and my face hurts from smiling so much. and after the club a half dozen or so of us went to the taco truck on the corner for munchies - and since they make everything including the tortillas there i was able to eat with my friends and not get sick - so i got an asada quesadilla and a bottle of 'mexican' coke (both of which i gave away half of) and went home and crashed.

i spent the day saturday doing approximately nothing (i had hoped to get up early enough to go to slutwalk, but i failed at that). i sat in the sun for about an hour, i added side slits to the dress i wore that night (an easy fix for the fact that it was too tight around the legs/ankles to dance in), and i napped for hours. in honor of slutwalk i did wear something that's been in my closet for years, but felt a bit naked even for me - a fishnet dress over lace lingerie. i even took and posted a selfie to the twitter tag (which of course elicited assholes suggesting i should be groped and assaulted for daring to wear it, thus proving the point that the protest is needed even if it's imperfect). then friends picked me up for mode:m, where everyone made me feel fine about my clothing choice, and no-one behaved badly all night (unless they had permission of course). i had a great time, although i was feeling a bit self-conscious about my dress so i failed at center most of the night but i was feeling the afterglow from friday at mal so it didn't really matter. it was also a reminder that i've been incredibly lucky on both coasts to have clubs where assholes are removed and i'm surrounded by friends (i miss people in baltimore/dc, but not much else).

today, in order to recover from going out two nights in a row (even with naps both friday and saturday) i spent most of the day in bed. i slept until pris kitty woke me for food around 10, then napped from 11-4:30, and i'm going to bed again after i do my dishes from dinner. but it was sooo worth it to have a weekend like this one.

8/8/15 10:54 - An apology or two...
asleep at mal 9/09
First, I'm sorry I haven't been here much lately - I've had a ridiculous couple of months and my tablet is broken which makes getting on here to read/post hard. But I need to get back in the habit of checking in; I miss this place. And below is an apology to all those who've been seeing my venting f2f, on failbook or twitter this week - I'm working on it.

Hi all, I wanted to apologize for being off kilter, angry and talking too much about how rough my body was being all week. It's been a while since I've had a stretch quite this bad, where I hurt at such a high level for so much time and it's been really fucking with me. I have bad days all the time, but I usually get good for me days in between, which means I don't get into this loop of it hurts too much to push through like this week was.

At any rate, I'm feeling much more myself today (thank fuck), and I plan to try to be more aware of how often I'm venting in a non-productive way the next time it happens. Oh, and someone asked me to explain my pain scale last night, so here's one way to look at it: https://ssadisabilityandyou.wordpress.com/…/a-new-better-p…/ Or specifically for me, I start an excellent day at a 5, which is I hurt, but I can get some shit done. An 8 was when I fractured my hip as well as when they burned off the surface of my uterus with a laser - for me that's I'm nauseous and fucking fuck but I can deal. 9+ is I hurt so bad I'm throwing up from the pain, and I can't get it under control right now; I've had spikes to 11(that bar was set with an ovarian cyst the size of my fist - the only occasion pain drove me to an ER) a few times this week, and it broke my cope and push through ability for a little bit, but today I'm starting at a 6 and I am going to take it easy to give body a chance to recover.

Anyway, I'll try to do better and not get so swamped with my broken - I didn't realize I was being so weird until I woke up this morning remembering bits of last night. And thank you all for caring, making sure I'm okay, listening, giving me rides and all the other things you've done that helped me get through this week and life in general. My friends/chosen family are amazing and I'm ridiculously glad I've got you around.

edited to add (from failbook conversation):
an addendum: i didn't post this to make anyone feel bad for me, or think i'm brave or strong or whatever, and it's not about any particular interaction. just that i was off, out of it, and probably whiny which i don't like. also, the pain scale stuff is how i cope with my usual multiple daily doses of nsaid and muscle relaxer - even a 5 is rough without meds.

i don't feel bad sharing, more that i think i frightened/worried some folks this week who hadn't seen me like this - in all honesty (in hindsight) i shouldn't have gone out, but i needed the company. and then i was so fuzzy i wasn't myself, and unlike a 'normal' bad day i totally failed at covering/keeping it together.
3/12/15 8:15 - Officially Single...
asleep at mal 9/09
I'd forgotten that I hadn't actually posted about this here, but I've been too busy trying to deal with stuff and/or being sick/in pain. T and M are engaged and now monogamous - I'm sad but surrounded by good people I love, and life goes on.

In other news, SSDI turned me down, so I need to file an appeal and find a new attorney - I got so frustrated with my last one that I asked WTF they were doing with my case (at 7 weeks into the 4-6 week period when I should have had an answer), and they decided to stop representing me when I was denied this round. This process is so fucked.

Staying with friends is mostly fine, but it's definitely fucking with my health further - I hurt more, I wake up most of the time with my eyes all sticky with sleep gunk (normal when I'm really sick at the old place), and in the last month and a half I've lost more weight - down to 105 at 5'7" - because my body seems to hate me/food even more. Plus I'm on either my second cold, or I'm getting thrush again. Yay auto-immune disease plus chronic fatigue, chronic pain, etc - I can't win.

That said, I may not have won yet, but I won't give up either, so back to the fight I go.
11/10/14 9:14 - Dune Cosplay part 2
asleep at mal 9/09
First full length photo courtesy of https://www.facebook.com/lou.capuano. It was taken before the costume contest at Bent Con on Saturday; I'm hoping there will be more later as loads of people took pictures, including some with other cosplayers - the new Thor, an incredible Skeletor (he won the costume contest), and loads more I've already forgotten.


And I had multiple questions this weekend about how I made it so...

The sheer striped cotton and the velvet for the headpiece were some of the many remnants I've picked up over the years at the Lip Service warehouse sales - I rarely buy finished clothes from them, but the rolls of fabric leftovers are awesome. The gold was from the fabric district, it's specifically a shop that specializes in African sourced fabrics; I think from Kenya in this case, but I'm not sure. And the trim is leftover from another cosplay project - rounds of satiny cord with sequins which had to be hand-sewn (bleh - not my strong suit).

The headpiece was shaped of 1" foam with a bent coat-hanger inside to give it the curves, and gaff tape wrapping to reinforce the shape and stiffness. It's a bit tight around my head, but it also stays on no problem. After I got the shape, I covered it with the velvet, using some gathering in the center front to keep the valley between the curves sharp; there's also a layer of batting and velvet lining inside so the shape doesn't get wonky because my head is sticking through the frame. If I wear this again, I'll probably re-visit the headdress - I'm not entirely pleased with the way the form fits or it's smoothness under the velvet, and I'd like to be able to wear it longer without a headache.

The dress itself is a modified chiton - two pieces of full width material attached at the shoulders/arms and sewn up the sides: http://www.dl.ket.org/latin1/things/romanlife/greekdress.htm. I wasn't happy with the way it was hanging around the waist and it didn't replicate the movie stills as well as I wanted so I nipped in the waist to under my arms, separating the sleeves from the body of the dress. The gold starts as an overlay, but once past my hips, it is used as a gore to widen the front lower portion of the dress, and at the bottom to lengthen it further. The train is gathered in the center back and runs about 5' from the bottom of the main dress. I'm really pleased with everything except the belt - I need to re-make that with real leather and add the tassels that were front and center in the film version, but I worked with what I had in the stash of pleathers we'd been gifted.

Overall, I really enjoyed making this and how the finished product turned out, even if there are things I would change. I'm not bad at this stuff, but I've had no training except occasional hints from friends which means all my cosplay (and clothing making in general) is of the try it, make it work, go back and re-do the things you want to later. Thank fuck I have a good eye for fabric and lines or none of my stuff would look okay.