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asleep at mal 9/09
alumiere
Thoughts on thankfulness 
2/9/10 15:00
asleep at mal 9/09
So I just read a post about thankfulness, and while Fugitivus and I share different belief systems her thoughts inspired this. I've got several other posts working in corners of my brain, but I have links galore and cannot adequately express what I want to...

“No wonder I’m depressed if I keep telling myself that 90% of my life doesn’t count.” When I get fed up with having to eat, shower, work out, travel from one location to another, clean, dress, do laundry, I’m getting fed up because these are all the things I have to do before I can “live.” So maybe, I thought, I should change my definitions and my expectations. Maybe I should consider every moment that I am alive to be a moment where I am living.

Now, I am not depressed that I know of. What I am is angry and frustrated. I feel like I have no control over my body most of the time, which makes the clean, dress, shower, eat, etc a constant battle. I'm working on getting past the anger, but it's hard. And I forget, a lot, to be thankful.

Later on in her post, Fugitivus goes on to say So I thanked God for showing me, yet again, that I am right to trust my intuition. No matter what else is piled on top of it, no matter how much a situation conspires to make one answer seem the simpler one, that doesn’t make it the answer I want or will accept. I thanked God for the illustration of how in all matters, big and small, with good people and bad people, I can and should trust my own gut.

I get what she's saying, even if I don't think I should be thanking God. I put my faith in all of you, in myself, in science and intelligence and good people. But I've been forgetting to be grateful. And I need to work on that too.

So, things I'm thankful for:
* I can still walk (even if it is with a cane most of the time)
* I can still type (thank you Mr. K for forcing us to learn to touch type in gloves in H.S.; were it not for that my typing would be horrible as I can't feel the keys most of the time)
* I can dance and read and cook and sew sometimes
* My brain is still here, even when it isn't working
* I have family who love and support me even when we disagree
* I have a warm apartment, a bed to sleep in, and enough to eat
* I have a most excellent T who lets me be myself, who listens to me vent and helps me do things I can't do myself
* T also doesn't mind driving, carrying me on piggyback when I can't handle stairs, letting me use his shoulder as a cane, and makes sure I don't hurt myself
* I have friends who help me with lots of things; among many they sort paperwork, pick me up when T can't drive, talk to me when I want to chat and leave me alone when I don't, feed me books and movies and food and music; but most importantly they keep me from totally losing it and remind me that I'm still me even though I'm broken
* I have a computer and the internet which keeps me from becoming too isolated, gives me a place to connect with friends near and far, provides things for me to think about and intelligent discussion
* I'm still alive and fighting, even though I need to accept that some of the broken parts are irreparable
* I'm creative and intelligent at least some of the time, which makes working around some of the broken possible

Edit to add:
I am endlessly thankful that snow-pocalypse part ?? is 3000 miles away (even though the rain in LA makes me hurt too) - sorry East coasters, but I knew there was a reason I moved
Comments 
2/10/10 15:53 (UTC)
Thank you so much for posting this link. I have retweeted it. *hug*
2/10/10 21:26 (UTC) - Snoverkill!
Indeed, can't believe I am gonna travel there tomorrow. Or try to..

I am endlessly pleased that you reach out more often w/ the computer, lj, Twitter, gchat, etc. Not only do I love knowing how you are, but it's vital to remind youself, as you point out above, that you have friends & are still the vital, creative person you always were.

Dunno about using the word "broken". I know you're using the harshest word possible, maybe to help yourself deal w/ the new limitations put in front of you. Would different be a better word? I know broken is probably how you feel, but saying it like that probably isn't going to help you deal with it, or embrace the thankfulness & positivity you display above.

I'm happy to see that list, woman. It's good to see proof that you know there's a lot going right w/ your life, too.
2/10/10 22:15 (UTC) - Re: Snoverkill!
Have a safe trip.

Also, broken isn't a necessarily negative. When things are broken they can often be repaired if someone takes the time and effort to diagnose the problem and find the appropriate solution. Maybe it comes from being a tech geek and a nerd, but to me broken means something isn't working correctly, not that it's doomed to the trash can or recycling bin.

The word irreparable may seem a bit negative, but that's become part of my life now. I don't like it (hence the anger) but some things can't be fixed and I have to learn to live with that (like a car with a dead battery - the battery can't be fixed, but it can be replaced and the whole car works again). There are parts of me that are broken, and irreparable, for example my thyroid, and the things those parts do need to be replaced so I keep working even if it is at a diminished level.

Edited at 2010-02-10 10:17 pm (UTC)