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asleep at mal 9/09
alumiere
Thinky thinky... 
2/23/10 18:06
asleep at mal 9/09
My week/weekend was rough. Death is never a pleasant thing to deal with. But Grandma, Dirk, and Martin will live on through our memories.

The thing that kept running through my brain were that in order to keep their memories alive, I need to fight harder. I have been struggling with the fact that I can hear her voice but can't remember Grandma's face; that I've known Dirk for ~ 20 years, and I only remember bits and pieces of our friendship. And Martin - I clearly remember his face, his laugh, from DC, so how did I not remember that he'd moved to LA?

I had another episode of Transient Global Amnesia today - one that was so bad Mom commented on it while it was happening and I called the neurologist. Another appointment scheduled for 3/17/10 to do further testing, etc.

Finally, this post of jaylake's discussing cancer and the fact that his illness affects everyone around him. That really hit home too. I know it's tough to be around me when I'm not here, that my friends and family worry about me, that my illness makes what should be simple tasks difficult for those who help me do them. I get frustrated that I can't take care of my friends and family the way I would have in the past. I'm wired for empathy and compassion and it makes me angry that I can't physically be there when I should be.

And our landlord probably thinks I'm an idiot. Numbers seem to be a big problem for me; I've written out checks for incorrect amounts and mailed them to the wrong address repeatedly. If I don't have T double check what I'm doing and I am having a brainless day (which I rarely notice until someone points it out) I can almost guarantee that I'll get the numbers wrong. I feel bad that I keep screwing things up; I'd really like a way to tell I'm having a bad day; better still I'd like to make these stop.
Comments 
2/24/10 3:27 (UTC)
Be well...
2/24/10 5:13 (UTC) - Thanks
You as well.
2/24/10 14:10 (UTC)
As mentioned elsewhere, sorry for all that loss at once. That's a lot to deal with. I didn't know about Martin, but I know how tight you were w/ your granny & how much folks loved Dirk. Try to keep your head up. Write about them as much as you want, writing is how most of us remember stuff. Before I went to have coffee w/ Jason yesterday, I as so grateful to have all my past lj entries to refer to, to steel my spine.

If you write out how you feel about Martin, Dirk & granny at length, then if things don't pop forth as quickly in the future, at least you have it written. Write as much as you can remember, then when you need to think about it, or want to revisit, you have it somewhere.

Maybe in anticipation of, or wanting to head off, a bad numbers day, you can prep stuff & Ty can just check it by default?

It's okay to be upset & frustrated about how you're feeling, but don't think you're not a great, supportive friend. I can't be as physically there for m' pals either, but they still know I love them.

& ppl still love you, even if they have to remind you about stuff, carry you into the club, make sure you don't cut yourself & double-check your math. You're still the same kind, generous person who WAS there for so many of us throughout the years. There is such a thing as karma, & although you are uncomfortable in this role, now it's time for ppl to do things for you.

Stay strong or at least do your best, plenty of rest. Especially hope the migraine has passed.

XOXOXO