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asleep at mal 9/09
alumiere
"How to compliment a woman without sexualising her" 
2/7/11 21:25
asleep at mal 9/09
In response to this piece, which is overall awesome.

But I do have a problem with one part… I’m a nerdy woman who dresses in ways that some people think is sexy. I have a love of corsets, but I still don’t want to be told by some random ass hat that I’m hot.

Just because I enjoy being corseted does not make me any more comfortable with being the object of unwanted attention. So the suggestion that if I’m dressed in a way that someone else perceives to be sexy doesn’t make it acceptable to objectify me.

One of the problems with the assumption that wearing a skirt or heels is inherently sexy to some people is that entitlement. People think that because you’re dressed in a specific way you’re fair game, and it’s never appropriate.

Even the 'booth babes' (I’ve done booth babe duties for friends at Dragon Con – it’s actually quite fun), deserve respect. They may be there to sell stuff or promote some product, but they’re also human beings, often gamers and geeks themselves, and simply because they’re ‘sexy’ does not give anyone the right to harass them.

Tell me you like my dress or the hair. Tell me I dance well. Talk to me about my writing or my style or the clothes and accessories I make. Don't call me sexy unless we're already past the introductory shyness and you're fairly confident that I'll be receptive to a compliment solely on my looks. But even then a better choice is "you look fabulous or beautiful or..."

ETA: this is a public post. Like all my public posts, comments are welcome, feel free to share or quote, just make sure you credit me with a link back here. Thanks!

Creative Commons License
This work by http://alumiere.livejournal.com is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Comments 
2/8/11 5:48 (UTC)
Thank you for this.
2/8/11 20:45 (UTC)
Feel free to share it; anything public is fair game.
2/8/11 11:09 (UTC)
My experience? By the time I hit 50 or so, I was very nostalgic for the occasional ass hat observation that I looked hot -- 'cuase I wasn't getting them anymore. :-)
2/8/11 19:39 (UTC)
I honestly don't that that I'll miss them in even 5 years, but maybe that'll change. Although compliments from my friends - I'll always enjoy those.

OTOH, from the pictures you've posted you are stunning (Mediterranean genes for the win). I've been following your adventures in dating, and I think you'll be fine in the long run. In the meantime, I hope your summer away comes to fruition; it sounds like a good way to recharge.
2/8/11 18:08 (UTC)
But... but you ARE hot.
What shall I do!?!?!
2/8/11 19:34 (UTC)
Thanks. I love you too, even if you are a dick sometimes my friend.
2/8/11 18:21 (UTC)
Yes, I really have to agree with you on this point. Too bad if we complain we're often told "You're too uptight," (Deflecting much?) or "You should appreciate the compliment!" (Oh, I *should* eh? Um, only from folks I know, bub.) Why are women considered public property??
2/8/11 19:43 (UTC)
Yes, this. Which I'm certain was the point the original author was making. However, policing how we dress bugs the shit out of me. And definitions of sexy vary so widely anyway (my grocery store choice of a long skirt, tank-top, blouse & heels would probably get me arrested in a fundamentalist religious country for instance), even though the only parts of me that are visible are my ankles, my lower arms/hands and my neck/face.
2/13/11 19:06 (UTC)
Heh. This reminds me very much of this rant of mine.