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asleep at mal 9/09
alumiere
I hate my brain... 
9/26/13 3:59
asleep at mal 9/09
Just woke up from a dream that both my Grandma and Great Grandma T (dad's mom/grandma) were still alive. Only everything was wrong about the dream - I can't see their faces in my memory and am lacking pictures (I was never sent the promised copies of our wedding and other albums) - but that wasn't them. Their shapes and houses had nothing to do with the tiny bits I have left. Their personalities were totally different.

I'm not even 50, I'm not supposed to forget people who I spent so much of my life with (they both lived into my 30s). And my swiss cheese brain now seems to be making up figments of imagination to replace them with. I'd rather have the fucking holes.

3:45 am, I'm wide awake and crying tears of anger and despair. This broken is too much to handle some days. And I seem to have answered to the question I keep asking myself - 'When it's all gone am I still me?' - with a resounding no.

ETA I've been feeling this a lot lately. NYC was home for a long time, and while I wasn't always there, I know I lost a lot of people to AIDs and a few 9/11. Only I haven't a clue who... just flashes of fury and pain that that shit happened. It's like I have fragments of an outline with most of the note cards lost. Or a busted hard drive that I can't recover. It's infuriating.
Comments 
9/26/13 11:05 (UTC)
*hugs* I hate memory loss. I was trying to do some genealogy awhile back and couldn't remember my grandfather's name. For 3 days. Amongst countless other examples.
9/26/13 11:10 (UTC)
I know. The last time I was able to 'see' their faces I was at my Dad's looking at old pictures - I could figure out who they were with their faces right there and his help. But it tears me up that I can't remember them, and I hate the thought of replacing reality with something false.
9/26/13 11:17 (UTC)
I've been looking at a lot of pictures lately. So much is gone, but luckily I mostly can't remember what I can't remember - somehow, I know that makes sense. My latest thing is feeling full and wondering why when I've just eaten. *headdesk*
9/26/13 11:24 (UTC)
I'm sorry. It's maddening.
9/26/13 15:14 (UTC)
My brain frustrates me too but do cut yourself some slack. Dreams are often about fears and rarely reflect reality. There may be other sources for family photos than your wedding albums.
Big hugs.
Anon
9/26/13 20:33 (UTC)
Thank you - I needed to see that.
9/26/13 19:07 (UTC)
I've had some seriously fucked up dreams too. Brains are our own worst enemies sometimes.
Hugs.
9/26/13 20:34 (UTC)
Hugs to you as well!