alumiere

meds blathering

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 20:03:16 GMT

friday - slept about 11 hours, driven from bed by cleaning elephant heard upstairs - still tired, nap later; skipping adderall for a few days - clenched jaw and shoulder/neck stiffness is worse these days and seems to be worsening/increasing the frequency of headache/migraines and i need to figure out if this is the adderall or something related to the antibiotics or vfend and the side effects from those such as the major dizziness and/or the candidia; tired and nappy all day, stomach upset from anti-biotics vs. anti-candidia continues, throat/mouth still torn up from candidia as well; ~9pm calories retained today are in the negative numbers - wheee

saturday - 2pm slept 14+ hours and want to nap now, jaw/headache still here as are other symptoms; i'll try one more day w/out adderall, but at this point i don't think it's the cause of the increased pain/muscle tension; made it to a's birthday thing for a bit and then bar sin for about 90 mins - stood by the stage or in the back for most of ego likeness' set, we bailed before bella morte (i really dislike that space); slept poorly due to a combination of nightmares and waking up for meds but still got ~ 9 hours out of 12 spent in bed

sunday - finally out of bed late afternoon, migraine again (day 3 sans adderall, pretty positive that's not the cause of the headaches at this point); ran into some reading about access and invisible illness which is good, twittered the links for later reference as i don't appear to be getting better and if i don't save them i'll probably forget what i've read; also, light before 5am and dark before 5pm is really fucking with me this year, a lot more than usual, i want to be back on daylight savings time permanently; 2 hours after wakeup - bad fuzzy vision now = time to watch some videos; vision went from double/fuzzy to worse - bright spots and flares and ouch from white on the computer, turned off most of the lights in the house; it got a bit better by the time we headed to mal, but i still wore sunglasses in the car to help; i spent most of the night curled up on couches or the patio talking w/ people as i couldn't stand the lights on the dance floor; damn it i needed to dance off this mood; slept a lot (13? 14? hours)

monday - did approximately nothing, lost a few hours?; online and some job hunt stuff and reheating lasagna for dinner was the extent of my accomplishments for the day; still having issues w/ vision/bright light - i know this is the anti-biotics (listed side effects) but it sucks big-time; vertigo so bad i can't make it the 6' from couch to kitchen without holding on to something - wtf did i do to the universe that this has become my day?!; bed early, slept for 13+ hours again (note: this is w/out adderall - i stopped taking them to make sure they aren't the cause of the increased muscle pain/more frequent headaches; it does not appear to be adderall that is causing them; i hurt worse than i have since before i left for LA, and have had at least a low grade headache from the moment i wake up until i hit the bed again)

tuesday - just woke up, vertigo continues (complete with ringing in my ears which seems to be getting worse) headache still banded around my forehead, i think i remember saying that it felt like there was enough pressure to pop my eyes out; i am going to find something to watch on hulu until t comes home; when he gets here we must run a few errands as we didn't go out yesterday since i felt so shitty and meds have to be refilled - especially the really expensive anti-candidia one (throat/mouth issues have gotten incrementally worse every day on doxy/cipro - 7 days left til that's done and i can hope that things improve after that); last few days of headaches have not equalled i'm all present, so i guess i'm wrong about the correlation w/ migraines? or maybe because this headache seems to be caused by the anti-biotics increasingly bad side effects i should discount that? anyway, going to post this and then watch stupid videos

wtf is wrong with me? wtf is wrong with me, wtf is wrong with me?

tweets du jour

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 08:05:45 GMT

03:16 RT@dsiringmachine lost my necklace @ Mal, @xianvox can you retweet in case somebody found it? charm is a winged snake/dragon :( #
15:53 bit.ly/4y7iN5 "Our health -- our lives? We're expendable." sad and infuriatingly true #

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tweets du jour

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 08:08:10 GMT

01:31 @egolikeness you guys sounded great; i'm glad we came out to see you (still hate the venue though) - hugs #
15:20 bit.ly/9V2he excellent - the only rule of nutrition is eat or die; after that you choose #
15:37 lauredhel.dreamwidth.org/95900.html on accessibility and invisible illness #
15:38 also bit.ly/27114t #
15:39 and bit.ly/3RyH1T #
15:43
those things do occur - they're offensive, hurtful, and unacceptable to tell me or anyone else whether they're visibly disabled or not #
15:46 oh, and this bit.ly/10rC9f (yes, i'm reading a lot atm) #

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tweets du jour

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 08:04:58 GMT

14:08 @zoetica yes please - and if you need a victim, i am local (i desperately need lessons on eye makeup - i fail at being a girl there) #
14:19 @dsiringmachine Why did people give up on LJ? not everyone did, but twitter allows for quick response, hence having both; try hashtags here #
14:22 RT @djxian WUMPSKATE this Monday in L.A All Ages Indie Electro Industrial Alternative Goth Rollerskating www.LADEAD.com w/ food drive #

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this (from natalief) is sometimes me

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 23:38:10 GMT

(sometimes i'm much worse than this) and a big part of why i don't go out alone anymore - i think maybe migraines are tied to good days, but i am not sure if that is true as i don't always know when i'm not here

http://community.livejournal.com/nonidiotswithms/87576.html

i'm pretty sure i was tested for MS in high school and in college (inability to pass certain fitness tests because i was that uncoordinated and blackouts respectively) but i'm going to ask about it again anyway if the tests this time don't give us answers

tweets du jour

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 08:05:43 GMT

11:34 bit.ly/1mX2sE @neilhimself & gahan wilson cartoon #
11:35 Call your Representative to tell him or her to vote yes on HR 3962, the Affordable Health Care For America Act. tinyurl.com/mkhhh9 #
11:42 awesome RT@LittleMonsta Autumn Leaves_ Cannonball Adderley + Miles Davis bit.ly/2FH7vy #
11:48 RT@matociquala Democrats want to take our money & spend it on social programs; Republicans want to take our money & give it to their friends #
12:15 RT @greygirlbeast One asteroid, add a giant impact on Earth &
; a dash of cyanide = the foundations for life bit.ly/2UNduV #
12:26 RT@CarnalNation Why I Wish You'd Stop Calling My Kid Pretty bit.ly/3JUE6I - topic for me to discuss #
12:29 RT @geekgirldiva - Free @Pixies EP? Hell yes! awe.sm/7JP1 (20th anniversary of Doolittle, live EP) - fangirl squeal #
15:24 @NuiCobalt *blush* - thank you :) "Follow Friday: Some Hot Chix I know --> @alumiere ..." #
15:30 jon stewart on glenn beck - bit.ly/4dNbMR - hilarious and disturbingly o
n #
18:14 @dsiringmachine no bunker for us this week - i am not coping well w/ the anti-biotics today #
23:03 @djxian: fyi, they also own limited/victoria's secret/etc - re Bath & Body Works tinyurl.com/yjz59jt #
23:08 @catvalente - i know expedia eventually did the right thing; hopefully this will motivate other companies to do the right thing as well #

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meds updates

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 02:20:32 GMT

rest of weds - after naps and writing (brain doesn't feel to mushy atm, and i have a bunch of links to write about) and dinner w/ t i found it hard to fall asleep for a while, i hit bed ~ 1am and slept til 5

thurs - 5am wakeup for antibiotics which caused immediate nausea; took a soma and was back asleep ~ 7am after a bit of mostly mindless twitter viewing; slept til ~ 12:30; lunch/meds = more nausea and other stomach issues - body is not happy about doxy & cipro at all; ~9pm headache that's been hanging around the edges since sunday now full blown migraine - i am pretty sure these migraines and the nausea are a direct result of the antibiotics (nausea, headaches, dizzy, vertigo, blurry vision are all potential side effects, and i have them all atm) as things get worse after my 5pm dose every day - 9? more days i think then i am done w/ them at least until after my 11/30 doc appointment; boi asked me if i was going to stop the adderall as well (i'm not, at least atm - before i started on adderall i was sleeping up to 16 hours a day - now i am sleeping less although my body seems to want 10-12 hours/day which is still a lot for me - if i want to get back to "normal" or at least be able to find some sort of job i cannot sleep 16 hours at a stretch); for some strange reason, i'm not as angry as has been usual today, and brain has been mostly functional i think; we have pork chops and green beans for dinner tonite and some project runway & dresden files to watch

weight continues to drop though it is more slowly, the candidia in my mouth/throat is driving me batty, and my skin/lips are ridiculously dry - hopefully that will stop once the antibiotics are done as i'm about 35 lbs down from our visit to md/dc now which is five pounds over what i consider my safe minimum weight. i am still working out almost daily (except days we're going dancing/etc - that is my workout those days) as it helps w/ sleep and this weight loss can mean muscle loss which is the last thing i need; also, i think working out helps my appetite so i take in more food than without it, which means i'm not losing as much as i would be otherwise

the numbness is about the same - not constant, but there is almost always some part of the day where i notice i'm not feeling surface of arms/hands/legs (for instance - laptop gets very warm, when i can't feel the heat on my knees or my hands i know i'm numb again... also the constant pain in hips/shoulders is still higher than it should be, which i'm hoping is because my body and the antibiotics are not coexisting well

i also smell sick - best description is rancid chicken - showered three times, a few hours later i smell sick again - t and i both hope that means the antibiotics are knocking something out of me, but what? and why did it take 20 days for this to start?

more questions than answers as usual, but i'm at least in a decent mood today - so i'm going to send this now (note: this was sent at 9:50 last nite, but from the wrong mailbox so it didn't post)

tweets du jour

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 08:05:22 GMT

05:56 up for 5am anti-biotics, waiting for stomach to calm down & second dose of melatonin to work so i can go back to sleep; 10 days left - blech #
06:11 bit.ly/8Rqkv features stories by @greygirlbeast & jay lake - excellent #
06:12 oh, and i hate going back to standard time; the sun is already up but it gets dark by 5pm; my body clock is not adjusting well to this #
06:38 cute pic, and congrats to you both! RT@docbrite 20 years today! yfrog.com/jczeoj #
06:52 @GreatDismal RT @ellouis: Genius Party : <
a href="http://bit.ly/g6npF">bit.ly/g6npF</a> (love the animation/story, not sure about the music though) #
06:54 and now, back to bed; ttfn #
13:18 Yes, people, #polyamory requires CONSENT of all involved. Personal defs may vary, but Multiple, Loving, and Consent are required elements #
13:19 If your partners don't consent, it's CHEATING. Period. #polyamory #
13:19 damn - both of those were RT@joreth... #
13:23 @NuiCobalt sending kisses and hugs per @geekgirldiva's request (all you have to do is ask beautiful one) - much love #
13:28 @mollycrabapple i'd love to - are you in la? (pics of me can be found bit.ly/1dPrJr - i love corsets #
13:31 @nuicobalt - is there anyrhing i can do to help? foods or natural sleepy meds or a hot tub to relax in? #
13:35 daahmn RT@warrenellis I'm not going to keep posting about RED, I swear, but the cast so far is just surreally good. bit.ly/XUrhn #
13:43 @dsiringmachine antibiotics for "may have lyme" - no better, still have to do 30 days (or more) b
/c if i have it i've had it for a long time #
14:20 @zoecello i hadn't seen the whole video w/ @amandapalmer at google - thanks!! (bit.ly/DIaQL) #
14:25 @geekgirldiva Shooting at Fort Hood. At least 7 dead. bit.ly/3rlfUM - sad and appalling #
14:25 RT@greygirlbeast Today we launch the first Clarkesworld Citizenship Drive clarkesworld.livejournal.com/146313.html #
18:50 www.bnd.com/yourlife/s
tory/995900.html via @racheline_m science says women make men stupid but not vice versa #
18:51 "I can see people extrapolating from this in all sorts of really ugly ways." r_m's comment - but the article itself is pretty damn sexist #
21:50 dan savage made me feel a little less disgusted w/ humanity bit.ly/3UT09E #
21:56 @superacid ewww... "I clutch my chest in relief! For some perverse reason and for a microsecond, I thought you wrote *Michael* Savage!" #

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tweets du jour

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 08:07:14 GMT

11:51 RT@greatdismal OFFLINE bit.ly/4b5ecd
spec trailer/short by Matthew Santoro (via Motionographer) - interesting #
11:52 Allowing voters who think #GLBT people are sinning "perverts" to decide fate of GLBT rights is like allowing the KKK to rule on segregation. #
11:53 And #GLBT rights cannot be left for the states to decide, anymore than racial desegregation could. #mainefail (via @greygirlbeast) #
11:57 RT @warrenellis My print-on-demand book project SHIVERING SANDS, collecting 7 years of stuff, is now live: bit.ly/1VSGS0 #booklust #
12:08 RT@greygirlbeast SF Company Helped Repeal Maine's Same-Sex Marriage Law bit.ly/1LaELB
#mainefail #
12:19 RT@geekgirldiva Heh. That's perfect ;_) RT @geeksdreamgirl: HOLY CRAP. I just saw a chick with a Jesus fish tramp stamp. #
12:32 RT@matociquala (16 for me) bit.ly/2HckMG -hells most wanted #atheist, #lgbt #
12:40 via @geekgirldiva - bit.ly/1A7AMI i agree, it is brilliant: 6 ways for geeks to handle stress #
12:45 RT@doctorow: Secret copyright treaty gets worse: put kids in *jail* for noncommercial copyright violations tinyurl.com/ygw5q8s #acta #
13:36</ em> an open letter re NSA secret monitoring and copyright insanity alumiere.livejournal.com/345557.html (please read and act) #

13:48 and a post on my disappointment with humanity and the denial of people's rights alumiere.livejournal.com/345719.html #

13:49 @cmpriest twitpic.com/oa7x8 - beautiful color ;) #

14:47 that's part of it for me... RT@catalyst_echo I figured it out. It is about chasing your dreams... That is how dancing saves us. #

14:51 why i hate people:
RT@racheline_m did someone really start the "tone" argument w/ me & explain I don't get rights because I'm "hysterical"? #

14:54 this too (re: dance) RT@NuiCobalt If I let someone else's douchbaggery keep me from doing the things I love, then they win. #

18:13 today i actually wrote about something not angry: alumiere.livejournal.com/ - hopes and fears #

18:14 also, two lumps is full of win today twolumps.net/d/20091104.html #

19:16 bit.ly/oxYly really? fumigate the white house to kill of the varmits #wtf #

21:59 RT@greatdismal RT @PinkTentacle: Cube - bit.ly/2v5yNU (stop motion artwork) #

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tweets (3 days worth; loudtwitter failure)

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 01:44:01 GMT

* RT@Theremina "BOINGBOING: Better than a snuggie and a bonghit." http://tinyurl.com/yj9vf27 [Bwaahaaa! Best compliment EVAR.] about 16 hours ago from Twitterrific
* http://bit.ly/2DWFBy is also awesome about 18 hours ago from Twitterrific
* too funny - a "psa" for doucebag solidarity http://flemco.livejournal.com/3110247.html (the end is the best part) about 18 hours ago from Twitterrific
* http://bit.ly/4CgT9h this too about 20 hours ago from Twitterrific
* and http://bit.ly/4m7AkS about 20 hours ago from Twitterrific
* and this http://bit.ly/g040m about 20 hours ago from Twitterrific
* cool science http://bit.ly/1kR467 from @warrenellis about 20 hours ago from Twitterrific
* Chimamanda Adichie: The danger of a single story | Video on TED.com: http://bit.ly/2StMbE - thank you internets for showing me this about 22 hours ago from web
* @ferrethimself on friends - http://theferrett.livejournal.com/1353126.html - melancholy but true, and i'm v. lucky to have local friends too
* @nadya - ouch; i hope you get the Mac sorted out; no resource intensive programs so pinwheel of death is very rare, and reboot fixes it 1 day ago from Twitterrific
* read this when brain works http://www.physorg.com/news176451960.html (via @shadesong) 1 day ago from Twitterrific
* http://bit.ly/3d4d40 interesting, must look further into this 1 day ago from Twitterrific
* btw - spending a lot of today online, catching up with stuff and hunting for jobs - hence the sporadic posts for so many hours... 1 day ago from Twitterrific
* and this from @shadesong http://shadesong.livejournal.com/3999651.html substitute (blonde, purple, etc) mohawk and that's damn close to me 1 day ago from Twitterrific
* christopher walken does lady gaga - http://bit.ly/47KmAp - fabulous!! 1 day ago from Twitterrific
* (part 2) @greygirlbeast, @cmpriest, @catvalente, @peterstraubnyc, @shadesong, et al!! 1 day ago from Twitterrific
* wait - that's 3 women auhors and two anthologies w/ lots more in the top 10 sf/f? way to go amazon http://bit.ly/2sTrwg and (see part 2) 1 day ago from Twitterrific
* congrats @greygirlbeast Amazon Top 10 S&SF Books of 2009. THE RED TREE @ #2, w/ @catvalente's PALIMPSEST @ #1! Booya! : http://bit.ly/2sTrwg 1 day ago from Twitterrific
* an a laugh from lamiaprime on lj http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson482.html 1 day ago from Twitterrific
* @NuiCobalt - sorry your day isn't going so great; remember we all know you're amazing and love you ;) 1 day ago from Twitterrific
* really cool (science is awesome) http://learn.genetics.utah.edu/content/begin/cells/scale/ relative size of cells, dna, viruses, etc 1 day ago from Twitterrific
* RT@joreth Jenny McCarthy Body Count Video - http://galink.us/xahg0/ #vaccine #antivax #science (@badastronomer have you seen this yet?) 1 day ago from Twitterrific
* RT@joreth RT @CS999: Christians decided to make their own Twitter - http://bit.ly/298ewp #wtf #atheism (I guess they're afraid of us) 1 day ago from Twitterrific
* RT@geekgirldiva If you're in la, come out. I'll be there ;-0 RT@NuiCobalt: So excited for next Wednesday, 11/11 ... http://bit.ly/2tApQt 1 day ago from Twitterrific
* RT@racheline_m How you can help marriage equality in Maine: http://keori.livejournal.com/304641.html -- read, act, and please RT #LGBT 1 day ago from Twitterrific
* another prompt (via shadesong on lj) http://bit.ly/EBJ1C 1 day ago from Twitterrific
* RT@Joreth Catholics trying to harm reproductive #healthcare: http://www.ppaction.org/campaign/hcr09ccbr #religion #abortion #civilrights 2 days ago from Twitterrific
* RT@neilhimself A company Coraline Halloween... http://bit.ly/3I5DAW - very cool; wonder if they're hiring and in la... 2 days ago from Twitterrific
* boi wants... RT@warrenellis T-shirt Of The Week #002: HUMAN BACON is now up for your amusement: http://www.warrenellis.com/?p=7920 #TOTW 2 days ago from Twitterrific
* RT@GreatDismal More robotic exoskeleton goodness http://bit.ly/rQwgT & fishing trawler sunk by giant jellyfish http://bit.ly/hIZ3x 2 days ago from Twitterrific
* RT@greygirlbeast New data sheds lights on the man-eating lions of Tsavo (1898): http://bit.ly/4iUVj5 2 days ago from Twitterrific
* interesting, and a good jumping off point for a post about food/cooking/diet.... http://edgeofthewest.wordpress.com/2009/11/01/chomp/ 2 days ago from Twitterrific
* i need to work on this - RT@mollycrabapple Quote from my aerial silks teacher: "Think of pain as weakness leaving the body." 2 days ago from Twitterrific
* RT@Theremina Alan Moore, being awesome: http://bit.ly/i0Sv5 [via @PaulKomoda] 2 days ago from Twitterrific
* @catalyst_echo @geekgirldiva @nuicobalt - ladies... i agree that baseball isn't goth, but i don't think it's grounds for losing freak points 2 days ago from Twitterrific
* @BadAstronomer have you seen this? you made wordlust today http://wordlust.blogspot.com/2009/11/nutbuggeryfest.html 3 days ago from Twitterrific
* http://bit.ly/1L7Nke - pop will eat itself vs. danny elfman's this is halloween - fun ;) 3 days ago from Twitterrific

little bits of me; thoughts, hopes and fears

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 01:27:13 GMT

the struggle continues, some days i have hope, other days i feel total despair, but i have to say thank you to everyone who reads what i write, writes things that make me think, helps me hold on

the anger and frustration with politics, divorce stuff, and my disgust with humanity in general is still here, but there are also brilliant, wonderful people, writing, art, music, science, etc that elicit a wow, a smile, a giggle or even make me cry but not in a bad way and i should talk about that more often

i tend to dump fun/cool things into twitter or take a quick note to refer to later, but today i want to write a bit more about some of these ideas and where they fit in my thoughts, and because writing sometimes helps me remember

a quote from rosefox8 I don't care, I am not my pain, my pain is not my life., and a few tweets I figured it out. It is about chasing your dreams... That is how dancing saves us. and If I let someone else's douchbaggery keep me from doing the things I love, then they win. and "Think of pain as weakness leaving the body." are all good reminders for me

and itsume said The soul needs feeding with friends, music, culture, fun etc. Without it chronic pain is worse and we (who have it) lose the desire to fight for out health and our lives. When chronic pain is in your life, you really have to struggle to find a reason to get out of bed. Friends and good times can make all the difference in the world.

I used to say, I am going to hurt, even if I am in bed, so I might as well do the things I can do.

I know people don't get it, but you can have fun even when you hurt, you can have a social life when a normal 9-5 job is difficult to maintain. You still get to have a social life if part of it is sleeping on a couch in a club.

but then, i read this after rm recommended it (note: nsfw, gay & straight sex, polyamory, language; also Jack is more-or-less immortal for those who don't know Torchwood) http://amand-r.livejournal.com/401160.html - and couldn't stop crying when i got to this (snips from part seven - this part is worksafe)

Jack rubs the bottle across his forehead, then glances out at the lights of the air tower that had been built last year to ward off low flying planes, the tower whose lights flicker red, on and off. Red for danger. 'Sometimes I want to forget,' he says, apropos of nothing, or something. 'When it happens, I wake up and I think, "I would really like to not remember that".' He smiles at Ianto. 'I've lost count with it all, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. When did I stop counting?'

'I don't know. Memories are important,' Ianto says, 'but maybe some things are made to be forgotten.'

Jack frowns at his bottle then, turning it on the table. 'It's funny, all the memories I erase for other people, and I can't even manage to hold onto the ones I want to remember.'

Ianto makes a concerted effort to drink a large portion of his beer before asking the next obvious question. 'Why would you want to remember them, then? All those deaths?'

....

'They're all I have,' Jack says.

Now he does have to roll his eyes. 'Oh, please, bullshite,' he moans, and makes a wanking gesture with his hand. 'Tell me more, Captain Jack Melodrama.'

Jack's mouth quirks a little, but he doesn't look at Ianto. 'That wasn't what I meant. They're the only constant.'

'Ah.'

Jack looks at him. 'Don't you ever worry about not remembering things?'

Ianto cannot answer that, because he has a whole swath of memories that he would like to forget. Or maybe those memories make him what he is. They are painful, and he realises upon thinking about them...
that he couldn't trade them because they make him who he is in some ways.

....

That is capitulating, then. 'I suppose then, that yes…' he says to Jack, fading away when he realises what Jack is driving at. 'In some way yes, memory is identity-forming.' He has yet to understand what this has to do with Jack being upset that he cannot remember how many times he's been electrocuted or drowned like a kitten. Or they could just be speaking hypothetically. He looks at his second beer with doubt; they aren't that strong.

'It's all we have,' Jack says then, his eyes looking at the sky, almost dancing across the stars as if he is counting them, making sure they are all there. 'Even me. I might live forever, right?' Ianto hears the edge in his voice, it's almost like a laugh. 'But how long can I hold a memory? When I don't remember it might as well have not happened.'

Ianto rests his chin on his hand and stares at the lights out on the horizon: red, red, red, red. 'That's comforting.'

Jack snorts. 'I'm terrified.' He sits forward and turns the bottle in his hand. 'There. I said it. I'm fucking terrified.' The cuss lands like a slap, because Jack doesn't use them.

the story has a mostly happy ending, because pain and loss and terror isn't all there is for these characters, there are also lovers and friends and fun and work

the point being that i guess if someone who is immortal is afraid of losing part of himself when he doesn't remember things then i can be afraid too, but i need to stop letting the bad stuff be the focus of my writing or my life no matter where i am

and i need to dance more - because for me, my body moving to music is that constant Jack talks about

hmmm... now that i think about it, maybe if i try using the clubs and dancing over the years as a starting point i'll have a foundation for a memory structure that works for me (the clubs, the dancing, the people that have been part of my life because i dance are usually as easy to recall as the music and the words to songs)

more politics...

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 21:46:55 GMT

i read the following article about a decision by the US Second Circuit Court http://www.salon.com/opinion/greenwald/2009/11/03/arar/index.html and it's linked sources - it is horrifying to me that our courts are helping to cover up and even endorsing torture, and that the president we elected on the promise of change is condoning this

plus the election results and bullshit from yesterday - i am once again ashamed of my country, my fellow citizens, and in fact most of humanity - i do not care what race, religion, sexuality, or gender you are; it doesn't matter where you live or what you do for work/school/fun/worship; it is never, ever acceptable to deprive others of their rights

to quote carl sagan "we are all made of star stuff"; so we all have but a short time alive, and then we all die and our bodies break down and become star stuff once more - to me that means that your belief in God, Buddah or Allah, Jesus, Zeus, the Torah, the Flying Spagetti Monster or who/whatever you chose to worship gives you no right to dictate what i believe, to limit my freedoms, to tell me that my life is unequal to yours

An open letter...

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 21:26:38 GMT

note: this was sent to both my senators, my congressman and the potus

Dear Senator Boxter,

Below is a copy of the message I just sent to President Obama. I do not know how much influence you have to address these issues, but I would ask that you do all you can both for our country and for you and the Democratic Party in general. If these issues are not addressed, I do not think that the Democratic party will retain control of the House and Senate for long, and I fear for what will happen to our country if that is the case.

Thank You for your time and efforts.

Sincerely,

Dear President Obama,

I was a strong supporter when you were running for president, and while I understand you cannot fix every problem this country has at once, I am appalled that your White House seems no better than Bush's when it comes to keeping secrets and infringing on our rights to privacy and free speech.

Your continued censorship of the NSA's "secret" monitoring of citizens email and phones is not what I or anyone I know expected of you. And this: http://www.boingboing.net/2009/11/03/secret-copyright-tre.html is a complete mockery of the bill of rights.

Please drop this treaty, and stop allowing the content providers to dictate policy.

Please allow the investigation into the NSA to proceed with your full cooperation, and live up to your promise of an open and honest administration.

You're making progress, albeit slowly, on health care and education, and our economy is at least a bit better (although like many people I am unemployed and have been since May 09), but your administration seems to be favoring big business over the working class quite often and that too is a disappointment to me.

As someone who was proud to see you elected, I cannot adequately express my frustration with your administration regarding these critical issues for the vast majority of Americans. So while I applaud some of your accomplishments, I continue to find myself embarrassed by our government in many ways. This was not why we worked so hard to elect you, and our hopes, our wish for change seems to be falling victim to special interests and corporate America once again.

Please restore our faith in you and your administration before you lose us for good.

Thank You,

[ETA] perhaps if enough of us remind our government of this, it will make a difference; to reach them follow the links from http://www.usa.gov/Contact/Elected.shtml

and there's a follow up on the copyright issue: Secret copyright treaty gets worse: it coulld put kids in *jail* for noncommercial copyright violations http://tinyurl.com/ygw5q8s #acta

daily med crap

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 21:00:21 GMT

a note on pain and pain meds - at the moment daily i take either one flexoril or one soma at bedtime, those are technically muscle relaxers, but for me that dulls the pain enough for me to sleep usually; my first choice for daytime pain other than a headache/migraine is a daytime dose of flexoril or soma depending on which one i took the nite before (we're alternating to reduce potential of building up a tolerance; up until last fall i was on flexoril but only on really bad pain days - both meds seem to have about the same impact for me); on bad pain or high stress days i take clonazepam at bedtime as well (usually no more than two times per week); due to my allergies and being on anti-coagulants all nsaids are a no-go, so at this point my other choices are tramadol (which can help if it's arthritis/fibro pain, but sometimes triggers a migraine, so i never take it if i have a headache), drug a (which works about half of the time not so much by taking the pain away but by making me not feel it as badly), and drug b (which makes me hallucinate both visually and auditorially, but which almost always makes me not care about the pain - i do not like this medication, but the options are very limited due to the host of problems so i take b when i have to); taking or not taking any/all of these seem to have no bearing on my memory/brain function, or on the numbness in my arms/hands/legs; i also use a heating pad, a hot shower, a soak in the hot tub, exercise, and for lack of a better description relaxation/meditation techniques to try to control the pain with varying degrees of success

saturday - spent the rest of the day at home, watched some dresden files on hulu, and slept (~ 14 hours again from saturday bed to sunday wake up - this isn't right)

sunday - stomach upset worse again, nothing else new; hope to actually dance at mal for a bit tonite; ~4pm i appear to be getting another migraine (jaw hurts, band of pain around head) but i took med a right away so i hope it doesn't get bad; 8pm migraine mostly thwarted, but at a price - the drug a didn't really help, so i wound up taking drug b around 7pm and am hallucinating again (i THINK i am getting a little better at coping with this med, and am finding reading/writing actually helps as i have to force myself to focus which leaves less room for scary visions, but i still hate it - i do not like having to chose between curling up in a corner or taking an admittedly effective medication and hallucinating for the next 6-8 hours) but my brain seems to be mostly present today, which a migraine seems to be a pretty reliable indicator for - if anyone can explain to me what this means i'd love it; i had a good nite at mal again (and it was free because of my zodiac sign) - the hated pain med seem to work for all my pain (i know it's there, it just doesn't matter - must discuss this further with docs as i've only recently started using it again after the first few tries resulted in terrifying hallucinations, but that was when i wasn't this sick), so i danced a lot in comparison to a normal night, talked to a bunch of people mostly sensibly i think (m & n both commented that i seemed a lot more alert than friday), and was happy to be hit on by a very cute boy; unfortunately i also threw up dinner/meds probably due to nausea from migraine combined w/ nausea from anti-biotics (pain meds do not seem to impact the nausea either way)

monday - woke too early (apartment management needed access to patio, ~ 8 hours sleep), but went out with t and took care of banking (deposit for rent), target and whole foods for vitamins/fiber/fish oil/etc - the cost of all these things is ridiculous, but they do help at least somewhat; came home and spent afternoon/evening doing some online job searches and reading - still fighting migraine, brain somewhat fuzzier than yesterday, but head doesn't hurt as bad as yesterday so no pain meds so far, and the nausea hasn't quite made me throw up again although i only managed to eat about 1/3 of lunch; i'm tired of doing this, but tracking things is letting me start to maybe see patterns (at least with migraines and being less out of it when i have one)

tuesday - slept horribly - between alarms for meds and nightmares i think i managed ~ 7 hours; exhausted, definitely not all here right now, but i cannot get back to sleep atm; dizziness, heartburn & upset stomach as well - meds not going down easily; napped and surfed the web most of the day (it took me all day to read like 100 entries on lj and that was with several twitters or saved posts tbr later - when brain is mushy twitter is much easier to process), but now i'm getting another headache (~7:30pm) - so i'm going to fix and try to eat dinner, then take bedtime meds early and try to sleep this off

wednesday - woke feeling nauseous and still fighting a headache but i did sleep soundly if not enough; ~ 1pm was asked to stop working with Electric Velocipede (sad/crying, but i understand - i am much slower at reading than i was a year ago, and it takes me forever to process and edit/critique now) - damn it - if i cannot do something i love as much as read well enough/fast enough to be kept on as a volunteer i am soooo fucked in terms of finding a job

cultural appropriation and halloween

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 22:18:38 GMT

something that's been on my mind all week, and i have a serious question to ask...

friday's festivities the theme was demons - as i do not believe in the xian idea of hell, i am uncomfortable dressing as a xian demon, plus to be honest i knew several friends would be doing it, and much better than i could hope to with the amount of energy i have to put toward making a costume

so i did some thinking and some research and wound up dressing as a japanese ghost/demon - i have (and know how to properly wear) a beautiful period kimono thanks to sca and other historical events and a friend taking the time to teach me how to tie an obi, and after reviewing the stories on my bookshelves and online (many of these involve wronged women who come back to take revenge) it was a fairly simple task to apply ghostly makeup, modify the wig i already had, and approximate the descriptions and images of female ghost/demons

but i worried even as i was dressing if this was an unacceptable costume as i am not japanese

in the end, i decided to go ahead because i knew that i was wearing the appropriate clothing and hairstyle in the proper way and while the makeup was imperfect it was a decent approximation (i adore the blithe spirit professional makeup for it's ghostly blue/white glow, and other than that some red lipstick was all i used - no eye makeup/eyebrows because they were missing in some of the stuff my research turned up and drawing oriental features on my face... )

so my question to you out there in lj land is: i know i chose to use an image from a culture that's not mine when chosing this costume (i empathize with why these ghost/demons exist and the message they drive historically - that treating women badly can lead to an ugly death), but is that an unacceptable, hurtful appropriation? what is the cutoff point at which using an image or idea from another mythology becomes wrong?

i tend to find the "ethnic" costumes available at the halloween store disgusting at best; but then again, i bristle at the fact that the styles i wear and spend so much time making become cheap, easy costumes for the mundanes this week - and when they decide hey, i'm going to a "gawth" club with friends, let me break out that "sexy witch outfit" from last halloween, that's black and shiny and then i'll look like i belong i get really irritated - better to wear jeans and a black t-shirt or that nice jewel-tone cocktail dress in the back of your closet than look like a slutty fool

ETA i didn't get any negative responses to the costume friday, and from my pov the appropriation was respectful

however i sometimes think maybe i spent too much time doing theatre, sca, and costuming to have a clear perspective on acceptable vs. unacceptable appropriation - for instance, i love the musical the king & i (i appeared in my hs production and can still sing most of the songs), but i know it's a racist, sexist mess in too many ways to count

but when i'm watching a good performance, especially live, i tend to do my best to immerse myself in the world that's being presented and suspend my disbelief/critical thinking until it's over - then i begin analysis and critique of the work (and i can be a really harsh critic) - so for example i can love a play that is disturbingly violent and triggery (marat/sade) even when i hate the acts depicted onstage (otoh, really bad performances, live or otherwise, will see me silently cringing, covering my eyes, watching the lights or other technical aspects, and perhaps leaving at intermission - but i know the performers are putting themselves on the line, so i won't walk out in the middle unless it's uber uber offensive)

tweets du jour

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 07:02:20 GMT

12:59 RT @newscientist: Fighting the anti-vaccine brigade - with science bit.ly/3KtGhz #

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further post on why i still go out to clubs in spite of pain/illnesses

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 00:03:33 GMT

as i've said before that's the only social interaction i get irl rather than online; i cannot spend 24x7 cooped up in the apartment without going crazy

and the reality is that i'm sick and/or in pain all the time so going out to a club while i'm sick/in pain has been the norm for years as it makes no difference in me being sick/in pain (i have chronic systemic candidia, auto-immune thyroid disease, arthritis, cfs and fibromyalgia - there are no cures for any of these problems), but it does keep me from losing my mind or getting so depressed i give up

i've been barely hanging on since last fall/winter when finances got bad and i had to stop taking some of the recommended meds due to cost, the depression is back and seems worse than before i moved to la, and that small bit of interaction at the club is the last piece of me i've got once again (i felt the same way before i moved to la - that dancing was all i had left, then things got better until late 2008 in spite of the issues with my health) - if i give dancing up i might as well be dead and probably would be very soon; it's the one place where i'm truly able to let go and just be for a short while

a friend once made a comment that my dancing often looks like a whirling dervish (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mevlevi_Order), and she's right in that dancing is the closest i come to any sort of worship - certainly if i were going to a shaker church and dancing and speaking in tongues, or if i were part of mevlevi temple no-one would question that, so why is the fact that i chose to dance in a nightclub unacceptable because i'm sick/in pain? dancing makes the pain irrelevant for a short time and that is reason enough for me to fight so hard to keep dancing (not to mention the fact that being able to dance is my prime motivation to work out regularly which is strongly recommended for fibro patients)

in addition, i cannot further isolate myself while continuing to fight my ex, fight for my health, fight with the insurance company, fight to get better - i know it's going to hurt, that i'm going to be tired, but that is the case whether i go out or not... and on the nights when i'm not feeling too horrible i get to dance for more than a song or two, and i hit that spot where the problems don't matter, i re-center myself a bit, and i go home recharged emotionally so i can continue the battle

i've talked about dance before, and what it does for me hasn't changed, although it is often very hard to get to that center these days, dance and rock climbing (which i can no longer do thanks to the arthritis and chronic pain) are the only places i've ever found it http://alumiere.livejournal.com/312746.html

and that, ladies and gentlemen, is why i dance

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 22:39:58 GMT

wednesday - apparently i'm more incoherent than i thought - i wrote a single sentence that included the word good four times, and didn't notice till my friend replied; i also thought it was tuesday until t came home and corrected me, had to go back and look at posts for yesterday to figure out what i did (scary); divorce bs made me incredibly angry today (luckily t came home around the same time as paperwork was delivered and helped keep me from totally losing it) which is not good, and i am struggling to relax and go to sleep (also, i think either the adderall ups my aggro like chantix did or divorce crap on top of frustration at not knowing what's wrong w/ me is too much atm); jaw ridiculously sore from clenching (partly adderall but this is way worse than normal); lastly, it seems i'm getting sick - throat worse, headache, bodyache, sinuses stuffy, lymph nodes/ears tender - how can i get sick when i'm already on anti-biotics and had my flu shot weeks ago?!

thursday - 12:30am, still awake (pain, pain, pain); going to take another dose of muscle relaxers & pain meds in hopes of sleep - i'd like to feel at least semi human for friday's halloween festivities; 3am - still awake (pain, frustration) - insomnia has returned in full force; finally managed broken sleep from about 3:30 til 12:30 but major nightmares; woke angry but lucid so i responded to a few things online and took the first steps toward dealing with ex b.s. (sometimes anger = focus, othertimes anger = blank, never know which or when); definitely getting/am sick (cold? flu?) which i do not need right now; also dehydrated/dry/can't get enough water side effect is now making lips bleed almost constantly and my skin is peeling as if i'd had sunburn (i don't, some of the newer meds are very clear about no sun) - both of those are in spite of constant re-application of good moisturizers and lip balms and 4-5 20 oz glasses of water/day

friday - still somewhat stuffy, sore throat, but fever is gone so whatever this is it seems short lived; slept ok last nite, napped today as well; meds are still upsetting my stomach and antibiotics are making the candidia worse, but weight seems to have stabilized finally i think; two weeks plus into the antibiotics and no change that i can see in memory issues

saturday - about the same as friday - i think i'm mostly acclimated to the anti-biotics, etc now (side effects continue to be rough on my digestive system and the candidia is still bad in my throat/mouth); adderall seems to be doing less to keep me from sleeping all the time too - i suspect i'll be napping after i finish my lunch; i did go out for the halloween combichrist show yesterday so at least i got to see friends even if i didn't really dance or catch most of the show

bunker/combichrist halloween party

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 20:27:54 GMT

it seems like most everyone had a good time; i was exhausted and achy, spent a lot of time sitting/sprawling in corners; i think i managed to sort-of dance to two or three songs (the japanese demon lady costume was a hit - although i tore one of the white out contacts trying to put them in, so i was missing that part)

combichrist themselves sounded good, especially given bunker's lack of true sound system for a band; i didn't see very much of their set though (see above)

the decor and theme rooms worked well, both the club staff & managers and b who designed the decor were happy with the results - glad i was able to take care of the fog cannon and the sewing that was needed to make it happen

the fog cannon itself shorted out somewhere between the switch and the second pump, but still worked well and looks awesome enough that people are already asking about renting it (i will rewire it with a better switch before the next appearance so it makes more fog; we also need to add a fan behind it blowing out toward the crowd so the fog travels further and a better power strip - the little one blew when pump two shorted, and had no removable fuse which made power an issue until we moved some things around)

there were a few really good costumes, but overall, meh - and too many tourists who bought the cheap goth/sexy costumes in a bag or people who dressed like it was any other club night - not even simple things like zombie makeup or a mask; and once again the tourists were asshats - i swear we need to start putting big warnings on the flyers and event sites that grabbing someone's ass or pushing them or harassing them is not acceptable behavior even when people wear revealing clothes (and last night some of the female tourists were as bad as the men)

i am still sick, but no worse than yesterday or the day before, so sleeping/napping pretty much all day (yes, that's with the adderall) was the right thing to do as it allowed me to get out for a few hours

tweets du jour

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 07:02:39 GMT

11:20 RT@docbrite New laws force fliers to have gender presentation and sex on documents match. Thus, I am now in the No-Fly shitpile. #LGBT #
11:51 @warrenellis it is indeed back up #
11:57 RT@warrenellis And an interesting link as to what happened to Bliss Soap, bit.ly/3z1No - go buy some nice soap/bath stuff #
17:16 @zoetica - both are hot, but we like the top one better #

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tweets du jour

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 07:02:15 GMT

01:42 can't sleep (waiting for pain meds to work), bored, cranky and exhausted; post something to cheer/amuse me please? #
12:46 anyone in LA or south ca area able to foster/adopt a cat? bit.ly/2Zmghx (please please RT there are 29) #
13:45 @leapdaredance thank you: ooh - i can still smile www.twitpic.com/natq5 (4 year old as jareth the goblin king from labyrinth) #
14:16 @docbrite - no idea of the name, but i was diagnosed in the 90's, told my tendons are too short between ribs & shoulder blades, no fix #
14:24 @docbrite - fyi, for me, exercise, tens and heat, and believe it or not wearing an overbust corset all help #
16:14 episode one actually did make me lol: g4tv.com/search/?q=slasher+school #
18:08 @warrenellis - why? your "little novel" is awesome, and i bet there are other people like me who keep giving it away or not having it return #
19:24 bit.ly/usU6G - fucking brilliant #

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tweets du jour

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 07:03:17 GMT

00:36 @mer - i'm jealous; although i'd want the ones for babies w/ single zip closed area for legs ;) #
00:45 hmmm... @mer now i must see if i have fleece to make adult size sleep sacks (bit.ly/U1Ih4) #
11:19 stupid body, useless meds; exhausted, can't focus but also can't sleep- did find this though www.vivianmaier.blogspot.com/ #
11:26 RT@bantamspectra RT @matociquala: if the lucky winner wants, I'll even throw in a signed book plate. (they're very cool book plates) #bearsf #
12:15 help an artist defend
his copyright bit.ly/VDAik (and get cool stuff too) - please RT #
13:12 but this is too cute: bit.ly/tbwqz (star wars according to a three year old) #
14:51 urgent - anyone in la able to take in or even foster a cat/kitten? 29 of them from a hoarder need placement now bit.ly/o7ikr #
20:47 laughing quietly at new muppets halloween shorts: bit.ly/2x2r5J #

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club pics

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 02:25:35 GMT

this is what happens when i go out...

since the ex seems to think going out to the club makes me safe to travel by myself, i thought i'd share a few recent pictures of me...

asleep at mal again (9/27/09)

yes, i really am this pale; meds plus much sun=bad sunburn and peeling; that isn't a good thing either b/c sun is guaranteed to make me sleep and sleep well; my body clearly misses it

t waking me up to go home from mal (6/09) - note the wool & brocade cassock as blanket over dress & stockings; it was probably about 90* in the club

with dreadeddragon and ophelia_no_yume 7/09

you see, the club is the only real socialization i get these days as our apartment is very small...

and the fact that t doesn't really drink and is always willing to drive, plus the fact that i can fall asleep at mal without worry means that i take advantage of going to the club whenever possible - even if i'm only awake for an hour or if i'm too out of it for real conversation at least i get to see/be around people and sometimes (gasp) dance for a little while - but that doesn't mean i'm healthy, able to get there & home by myself, or not in pain

oh yeah - it doesn't hurt that entrance is usually $2 at mal and often comped elsewhere - which makes it affordable socialization as well

angry enough to "spit nails"

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 23:47:24 GMT

i just got a court filing from my ex that was so full of half truths and untruths that i cannot believe he filed it...

especially infuriating was this:

he states that i can travel by myself based on the fact that i was in md in august with my boyfriend who was vacationing with me and did all the driving, etc (as he does all the driving here in la or other friends pick me up); the fact that i attended events including a club night and renfaire while i was visiting; and that I sometimes use twitter, etc. during business hours

and i'm not sick because there are pictures of me at clubs - where i am frequently incoherent (and i do not like that this happens but it's a fact of life at this time), asleep on a couch, in the bathroom thowing up dinner/meds, or in too much pain to walk around let alone dance - but this is my only social interaction most of the time so i do go out when someone is willing to take me and i'm not feeling too nauseous

that written documentation or phone testimony of my illness is not acceptable because "there is insufficient proof of who is testifying. Additionally, Ms. Turner seems to be able to attend events which do require a certain level of physical activity." (nowhere have i ever said i was bedridden or unable to walk/do limited physical activity - i've said i cannot travel by myself because of my memory problems)

so...

i wish i wasn't such a "good guy" when i moved to la, that i had demanded he buy me out of the house and that i be given half the property (or paid for it) when i moved; and i recommend anyone who is going through a split, even with a good friend insist on half the minute you no longer co-habitate

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 19:10:06 GMT

saturday - woke with beginnings of a migraine; didn't manage to keep lunch or lunch meds down; double vision, dizzy, nauseous as hell; but my brain is firing on all cylinders atm (migraine has become a good sign i'm all here); antibiotics again in an hour; will try to take lunch meds with dinner/dinner meds (late is better than not at all); got the really important meds down along w/ "quesadilla" at dinner but that was it; watched the rest of dead like me w/ t and then slept for 12? hours (sleep length increasing again; maybe i've adjusted to adderall or i'm getting sick or the fight between candidia, anti-candidia, antibiotics and natural good bacteria is sapping my energy?)

sunday - ok day; brain working pretty well; read, wrote a bit; up ~ noon and took nap at 6pm; then woke up and managed to lose two hours to mind blank; made it to mal late and hallucinating b/c i took the hated pain med (it makes me visually and aurally "see things") but it did work to keep the pain at a level i can cope with so i danced a good bit (the cute girl i was dancing with was also a major motivator)

monday - could not get up; kept setting the alarm for one more hour; spent the afternoon/evening at hypnobella and s's place trying to sort wiring problems in fog cannon; by 9pm we'd figured out how to get power to both, but not why the switches wouldn't work (whether the switch was on or off, pumps were on); gave up and headed home - migraine most of the day too, but that means i could mostly think

tuesday - slept ~11 hours but woke exhausted and really fuzzy around noon; b picked me up and we headed back to h & s's for more work on the fog cannon; by the time t got off work and over the hill i'd figured out one of the two fog machines wiring (note - fuzzy = concentration for shit, shaky hands; took almost 5 hours to figure out how to wire switch into one fog machine - this should have taken an hour or less); finished the second one's wiring by about 9pm with t's help; both machines are now wired and have working switches for the pumps so b & co can seal things up and make it look pretty tomorrow; one thing about numb hands today - can't feel the small shocks so i could mash wires together without pulling the plug every time or i never would have gotten even one working - this is not right btw, t touched one of the bare connections and jumped back a foot; i touched it and felt nothing (seeing sparks, visible smoke, or one of the guys telling me there were sparks meant not the right connection) - but i also couldn't feel the heat coming off the heating elements so there are some nice burns on my fingers; plus nausea again all day; also a happy thing about today is that i was able to deliver m's galileo telescope (which hypnobella & s will have to help put together no doubt) - and now, i'll try to sleep

wednesday - 12 hours sleep, still exhausted, can't get back to sleep; headache; fortunately nothing hugely important planned today as i hope to nap after lunch meds