December 4th, 2001

asleep at mal 9/09


ok... this is kinda scary... yesterday i went home, finished laundry, started sewing for yule (dress about 1/2 done), and got a decent nights sleep... this morning i put away laundry, cleaned up kitchen, made it out the door in time to go by the fabric store and do some holiday shopping before coming in to work 2 hours early... usually i am much more slack than this; if i can keep this up i might manage to be ready for all our holiday functions on time
asleep at mal 9/09

Barbie's Nasty Christmas Letter to Santa

Dear Santa:

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here by next Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweat shirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
6. A jogging bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec.

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years. I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,

asleep at mal 9/09


Dear Barbie:

I am in receipt of your undated letter, you high-maintenance slut. Obviously, you've been feeling this way for some time. BUT DON'T TAKE OUT ON ME!!!! I only get what Mattel gives me,,, and they respond to what little girls (and some "little" boys) desire for Christmas. But aside from that, I am willing to address your criticisms.

As for your attire, Have you forgotten that you have been dressed in wonderful evening wear and gowns? OK, so it's not gold lame. You're a TOY! I also recall that recently you were a Shuttle astronaut and a stock car driver. What do you want to be next... "Disgruntled Postal Worker Barbie..." so you can blow the brains out of your Mattel inventors? Or maybe "Anthrax Mailing Barbie?"

I do, however, agree with you about Ken. I always thought of him as a little wussy. He always seemed more interested in your friend Skipper than with you and your friends. And he never liked you when you drove your little Corvette headlong into the Living Room wall. I'm not sure about that ring either. Lately I've seen him hanging around other Kens. Regarding a change in male companionship, GI Joe is not available at this time as he is currently busting some Taliban ass. In the short term, you may just have to be satisfied with Elmo. If not, may I suggest enlisting... Air Force Barbie... talk about flying supersonic!!!

I hope my advise to you is of help. Don't come crying to me anymore about what those jerks at Mattel do to you. You forget that it's run by men!

Santa Claus
asleep at mal 9/09


Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.

In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbir DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment-the bitch has EVERYTHING!! I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered :"Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:"S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open new markets.

And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can"push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick that bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations-we've talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action taken by myself and others.

PS. Barbie can forget about having Joe-he's mine, at least that is what he said last night.