March 19th, 2003

asleep at mal 9/09

ennui

work sucks, we've apparently started the war, they are threatening "code red" terror alerts which could effectively lock everyone in their homes/workplaces, and i need a vacation... guess i'll have to settle for cocktails at http://www.cue-club.com/ tonight, pigface/tkk at alchemydc tomorrow, and planning/prepping for the trip to vegas...
asleep at mal 9/09

self deprecation

we all do it, some more often than others, some more vocally than others, but it's there none-the-less... earlier today i was having a conversation with nagamii about this (he was amazed that i feel down about myself) which i meant to cut and paste here, but i forgot, so here are some of the bits i remember (out of context, sequence, etc)...

nagamii: i recognize beauty in others a lot more readily than i recognize beauty in myself

me: (some of this may be age difference) i still have doubts, but i've learned to control them better most of the time, and i voice them to others less

me: i also think one of the reasons i appear more confident is that i am more comfortable than i used to be with myself mainly because my friends have been drilling into my head ad nauseum that i'm attractive, intelligent and a good person for years now
me: i think that is why i like clubbing so much - i get to be around my friends who reinforce the positive

nagamii: i think i judge myself more harshly than i judge anyone else

there was a lot more, and some of it quite good, but i've lost it; then zooom and i chatted a bit, and i did get most of the convo w/ him saved:

me: nagamii and i were having a discussion earlier today about insecurities, damn... that was why i saved the chat window, wanted to put that in a private lj entry to save... and how much all of us disparage ourselves
Zooom: well....we think harder of ourselves so as to feel better about relations with others
me: huh?
Zooom: we are harder on ourselves ...so when we compare ourselves alone as apposed to ourselves with others...the picture gets prettier...or at least in my rosey little world
me: so are you talking about the picture of yourself gets better in comparison to others, or that others look better than yourself because you aren't as hard on them
Zooom: yes...the latter
Zooom: somewhat of the former....but more the latter
me: yeah, but what does that do to benefit you?
Zooom: well...with some it gives a level to achieve...or surpass
Zooom: comparison shopping as it were
Zooom: make sense?
me: not really, but i think we may have a different perception of what is a benefit here
Zooom: okely dokely...hard to explain in 2 finger typing form
ALUMIERE: is ok; i'm going to post what i can remember of my convo
Zooom: why?...are you thinking you are not good enough due to something within?...or is it something external bothering you or perhaps just barometrically affected with the Spring giddy go lucky thing about to happen?
me: no idea, any of those are possible, or it may just be new birth control fucking w/ hormones, all i know is i've been feeling down on myself - think part of it is job thing - and i'd like to figure it out and maybe do something positive about it