October 25th, 2009

asleep at mal 9/09

struggling and failing...

Collapse )

so here i am, trying to put all this into writing so i can work on the problems more systematically - i've always written as a way of working out what's going on in my head (whether on paper or on pc or online); and i'm having a mostly coherent day, so it seemed like a good time to try this...

i need to:

1) make peace with the pain again: i hurt in more places, but it's about the same base level as in dc so i should be able to work through it/around it if i can find the right meds to help (can't manage pain the way i used to - nsaids, etc are no-go with the other issues/meds)

2) figure out how to compensate for the numbness in my hands/arms so i can cook and sew without injuring myself (the numbness in my legs isn't as much of a problem - i am usually bruised for no apparent reason, but i don't use my legs to carry hot pans, etc)

3) find the center again and figure out how to hold onto it when i'm having a bad day

4) sort out a mnemonic system that works to prop up my brain (i think music is the best base for me; i can remember every note and word to songs both new and ancient and sing along - but working out how to use that as a way to remember other things is slow going; otoh the memory palace idea doesn't seem to hold for me)

5) deal with financial issues and split ugliness with less anger & frustration; channel some of the anger to motivate bc/bs to pay for more of my treatment

6) remember to breathe and try to find some happiness in all this (i am alive and still have hope things will improve)

7) keep reading and writing whenever possible; that ability seems to be mostly intact on good days, and i want it to stay that way

8) start figuring out options for work that aren't high stress or solely based on my logic & troubleshooting abilities; reality is they may never come back and disability by itself (if it happens) will not pay the bills

9) keep thanking the people who've been helping me every day - without all of you i wouldn't be doing even this well