January 9th, 2010

asleep at mal 9/09

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asleep at mal 9/09

And on a totally different subject

sirriamnis has a post up at CA NOW: http://www.canow.org/canoworg/2010/01/eating-disorders-are-forever-.html

And it along with several other recent threads and posts about eating and food and body shape and size have spurred this topic. I'll admit, I only ever manage to eat lunch and dinner plus a bedtime snack if I'm hungry.

But I've gone from watching everything I eat to keep from gaining weight in spite of exercise, to watching everything I eat to not lose more weight and retain muscle mass. I'm 5'7" and 120 pounds today, which is at the bottom of acceptable according to the NIH. But if I drop another 5 pounds I'm underweight, hence the struggle. And I don't eat breakfast now because of the thyroid medication - that needs to be taken on an empty stomach 2-3 hours before anything else.

But that habit of not eating breakfast? Probably showed up when I was in High School. It's harder to hide the fact that you're not eating at a family dinner than in the morning when everyone's running out the door to school and/or work. I had self esteem issues like pretty much every other girl on the planet, and spent too much time in my own head; usually the smartest student in class; your basic introverted geek before that was acceptable (HS Graduation May 1984).

There are a couple of problems that Sirriamnis talks about in terms of learned behavior, and thinking you're too busy to eat. I don't do that anymore; between the meds and the restricted diet I can't. Instead I spend a couple of hours every day trying to get meals down. And I don't mean a few hours of cooking time, I mean a few hours to eat a salad or a slice of lasagna, etc. The smells and tastes that changed with the bad Lyrica reaction continue, and while the new meds are making the Candidia better, I'm still having a hard time swallowing.

I think I lost the thought thread now, but there's something wrong with the way American's (me included) view food, diet, exercise, body shapes. Why am I comfortable wearing a cropped top and hobble skirt to the club now, when I rarely went out sans corset a few months ago? I'm a little bit thinner (maybe 1/2" at my waist) but not enough that I should have been worried about showing off a bit of belly last year.

Our skewed view of women's bodies results in a lot of us not liking the way we look, when we in fact look great. But we haven't been photoshopped so that our heads are larger than our hips. Sometimes I even believe that when I look in the mirror at myself.

Custom hobble by slyx, cincher & crop top by http://www.egoassassin.com, light up mohawk by me, pictures post club 12/09, copyright Alumiere.

Edit Oh, and these were two of the other articles that inspired this:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1237677/Plus-size-Crystal-Renn-takes-traditional-model-prove-fashion-flatter-figure.html and
I hate most of the clothing and styling choices, but the women are beautiful.