February 9th, 2010

asleep at mal 9/09

Thoughts on thankfulness

So I just read a post about thankfulness, and while Fugitivus and I share different belief systems her thoughts inspired this. I've got several other posts working in corners of my brain, but I have links galore and cannot adequately express what I want to...

“No wonder I’m depressed if I keep telling myself that 90% of my life doesn’t count.” When I get fed up with having to eat, shower, work out, travel from one location to another, clean, dress, do laundry, I’m getting fed up because these are all the things I have to do before I can “live.” So maybe, I thought, I should change my definitions and my expectations. Maybe I should consider every moment that I am alive to be a moment where I am living.

Now, I am not depressed that I know of. What I am is angry and frustrated. I feel like I have no control over my body most of the time, which makes the clean, dress, shower, eat, etc a constant battle. I'm working on getting past the anger, but it's hard. And I forget, a lot, to be thankful.

Later on in her post, Fugitivus goes on to say So I thanked God for showing me, yet again, that I am right to trust my intuition. No matter what else is piled on top of it, no matter how much a situation conspires to make one answer seem the simpler one, that doesn’t make it the answer I want or will accept. I thanked God for the illustration of how in all matters, big and small, with good people and bad people, I can and should trust my own gut.

I get what she's saying, even if I don't think I should be thanking God. I put my faith in all of you, in myself, in science and intelligence and good people. But I've been forgetting to be grateful. And I need to work on that too.

So, things I'm thankful for:
* I can still walk (even if it is with a cane most of the time)
* I can still type (thank you Mr. K for forcing us to learn to touch type in gloves in H.S.; were it not for that my typing would be horrible as I can't feel the keys most of the time)
* I can dance and read and cook and sew sometimes
* My brain is still here, even when it isn't working
* I have family who love and support me even when we disagree
* I have a warm apartment, a bed to sleep in, and enough to eat
* I have a most excellent T who lets me be myself, who listens to me vent and helps me do things I can't do myself
* T also doesn't mind driving, carrying me on piggyback when I can't handle stairs, letting me use his shoulder as a cane, and makes sure I don't hurt myself
* I have friends who help me with lots of things; among many they sort paperwork, pick me up when T can't drive, talk to me when I want to chat and leave me alone when I don't, feed me books and movies and food and music; but most importantly they keep me from totally losing it and remind me that I'm still me even though I'm broken
* I have a computer and the internet which keeps me from becoming too isolated, gives me a place to connect with friends near and far, provides things for me to think about and intelligent discussion
* I'm still alive and fighting, even though I need to accept that some of the broken parts are irreparable
* I'm creative and intelligent at least some of the time, which makes working around some of the broken possible

Edit to add:
I am endlessly thankful that snow-pocalypse part ?? is 3000 miles away (even though the rain in LA makes me hurt too) - sorry East coasters, but I knew there was a reason I moved