February 23rd, 2010

asleep at mal 9/09

Thinky thinky...

My week/weekend was rough. Death is never a pleasant thing to deal with. But Grandma, Dirk, and Martin will live on through our memories.

The thing that kept running through my brain were that in order to keep their memories alive, I need to fight harder. I have been struggling with the fact that I can hear her voice but can't remember Grandma's face; that I've known Dirk for ~ 20 years, and I only remember bits and pieces of our friendship. And Martin - I clearly remember his face, his laugh, from DC, so how did I not remember that he'd moved to LA?

I had another episode of Transient Global Amnesia today - one that was so bad Mom commented on it while it was happening and I called the neurologist. Another appointment scheduled for 3/17/10 to do further testing, etc.

Finally, this post of jaylake's discussing cancer and the fact that his illness affects everyone around him. That really hit home too. I know it's tough to be around me when I'm not here, that my friends and family worry about me, that my illness makes what should be simple tasks difficult for those who help me do them. I get frustrated that I can't take care of my friends and family the way I would have in the past. I'm wired for empathy and compassion and it makes me angry that I can't physically be there when I should be.

And our landlord probably thinks I'm an idiot. Numbers seem to be a big problem for me; I've written out checks for incorrect amounts and mailed them to the wrong address repeatedly. If I don't have T double check what I'm doing and I am having a brainless day (which I rarely notice until someone points it out) I can almost guarantee that I'll get the numbers wrong. I feel bad that I keep screwing things up; I'd really like a way to tell I'm having a bad day; better still I'd like to make these stop.