July 23rd, 2012

asleep at mal 9/09

How not to talk to someone about their feelings...

So a friend of mine is quite ill, and struggling with major changes in lifestyle which suck for him. And someone posted a comment that he should stop whining and think positively and he'll get better.

Bullshit! It is never ever acceptable to tell someone how they should think, to belittle their thoughts as whining, to feel that your right to not seeing emotion x is more important than what the person you're talking to is actually expressing.

I wrote this comment in the thread, but it's important enough for me that I wanted to share it here too.

As someone who struggles with chronic fucked up body, I respectfully disagree with J's comment. Whine away if you want to. It's not positive or healthy to fake being happy or okay with changes when you're not. And it's even less okay to tell someone who is struggling that a if they'd just change their mindset they'd get better. You've got some tough going ahead, and you need to deal with it in your own way; I've been struggling with my broken for 3+ years now, and I'm still fucking angry a lot, depressed sometimes and coping as best I can. It's not easy, but I do what I have to do and moan, yell, cry about it online more than IRL - that let's me get whatever I'm feeling off my chest without being a total basket case when T comes home. But that's what works for me - do what works for you, and know we'll be here to support you no matter what.

For me, anger is the default response when things aren't right - so go figure I'm angry a lot. But I have gotten somewhat better adjusted - the everyday broken now elicits a minor fuck you body as opposed to the full on rage/I'm going to force you to do that thing (clean, work out, go to the store, whatever) anyway and then feel horrific later.

I'm still angry and frustrated because my abilities are so much less and my life feels suffocatingly small all too often. But there's nothing that will fix me, and less rage-y seems to give me more days in the I can do two things (instead of just one) range because I do zero when I need to rather than pushing myself beyond my limits.

I am and always will be a punk at heart, and this is how I work best - if it weren't for the anger I'm fairly certain I'd be really really depressed so I'll stick with the slow burn. I won't suggest you should try my method, but find what works for you and don't let anyone suggest a smile would make it better - even people who default to happy feel otherwise sometimes and that is as it should be.