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asleep at mal 9/09
not whining i swear 
1/9/08 6:33
asleep at mal 9/09
life would be perfect if my body would stop breaking and i could figure out how to be a bit better at dating...

i'm surrounded by beautiful people and have amazing friends; my apartment is small but cute and the perfect place for me (yeah for landing in a good spot); clubbing here in la is better than it was in dc once alchemy closed; i'm comfortable with who i am and get to have a lot of fun; my job pays well and i get to work from home (even though it makes me annoyed often the trade-offs are worth it)

but i've got "no game" - i suck at the whole dating/meeting new people thing quite a lot

i seem to be quite awful at flirting (except maybe on the dance floor and that only happens if i've had a few drinks); i have a bad habit that once i do finally start talking to someone i find attractive and figuring out i enjoy their company and trust them i ask them out and that is sometimes too aggressive (although fortunately i'm a good judge of people so often this has caused brief moments of discomfort followed by some excellent friendships - at least with guys) in many cases; i tend to ask for what i want once i'm comfortable with people as friends (ie: sex, etc) which seems to put some people off...

then there's the whole i'm bi and want an open relationship thing - how do i explain to someone new that i'm not looking for a serious relationship atm (it's too soon) and may never be looking for monogamy without offending or scaring them off? i prefer open and up front and refuse to play games but again, that seems to intimidate people even though i may already be friends with the person

eta keep in mind there's a difference between open relationship and polyamory - at least for me - while i'm not ready for a primary partner atm, eventually i suspect i will be and hope that i meet one, but at the same time i would want to be able to have other partners within whatever set of rules my primary and i work out as i know damn well that monogamy has never been a successful relationship type for me

and then there's women - i know i'm not a typical female, i don't understand most of the traditional behaviors of my sex, and i can't read girls at all - even when i meet a girl i'm attracted to i have no idea how to read them (are they straight/bi/gay? do they think i'm attractive too or just want a friend? how do i approach girls without being that creepy person who hits on them?) - the only women i've ever dated hit on me first - i'm pretty fucking clue free otherwise

that said, i seem to have met a least a few prospective dates recently, and if i haven't frightened them off already life should get even more interesting
(Deleted comment)
1/9/08 19:43 (UTC) - Re: because it's a slow day at work

as for asking out - i accept no surprisingly well, and as i said that has resulted in some excellent friendships anyway

i think i'm fairly realistic, about the open relationship thing - i understand that it's something a lot of people find hard to accept - eventually i suspect i'll be interested in and maybe find a primary, but i know myself and monogamy has never worked for me
(Deleted comment)
1/9/08 19:44 (UTC)
i heard that first part

fortunately i don't have the second problem and hopefully you will solve that one sooon
1/9/08 15:41 (UTC) - You can take the girl outta New York -
Actually my work day is horribly busy, but this deserves a moment.

Like skunque says above - feel free to heed or ignore as you like. Much love.

I know you love the weather where you are, but I don't think you're too aggressive. I think you're East Coast, & you have transplanted yourself to the warmer West. When we in the Kingdom of the East get to a certain point, it's like - okay, buddy - is th' game on, or not..? Sure there is possibly harsher rejection or at least more often that way, but you're pretty aware of who likes who & what's reciperocated.

What little exposure I have had to the West Coast leads me to believe that cultural differences go all the way down to relationships. You ask for what you want, upfront, 'cause despite your shyness, that feels natural & honest to you. *heavy Jewish Brooklyn accent* & why not..? Life is short.

The few dating experiences I've had w/ more west-based folks - they were just as passionate, etc - but they were almost evasive about their feelings. Not fake, mind you - just not clear. All 3 of 'em really liked to take their time with things. & figuring out intially if they were into me was moider.

skunque's main point is spot on..just stay cool, have fun, flirt & joke. If you keep going out dancing & rising in confidence & health the way you have been, all will be good. Let them come to you..they will. & you'll know when the right time is to stop kidding. You have pretty keen instincts, I feel.

As for women - cheezy tip. I know it's cliché, I know it's not you, but - freedom rings. Or maybe some other way of indetifying yourself as a gal who likes gals. Obviously, not the item to wear when out boy-hunting, but if going to some event where girls are on your mind, it's good to let them know upfront you're in that kinda mood. I got hit on WAY more when I wore freedom rings/etc, than not. I was removing a degree of uncertainty on their part. :)

& sure, be upfront about not wanting to rush into anything. I'm willing to bet there are a LOT of poly people in LA, it's just a matter of meeting them. & as for having to over-explain - honesty if good, but, just let it go for awhile. You don't owe them your entire life story if you're not rushing into anything..;)

You have impressed a mutual friend who is very hard to impress, y'know. Plus the general word back from the DC club scene, sweetie, is - direct quote - "she looks amazing, motherfucking gorgeous."

Go shake that groove thang. Glad you have a nice warm cozy nest & lovely boyfriends to play with, until some fun rolls along. Which it will. Can't wait to visit again, Jody has promised to cook. :)

-- falling back into Photoshop now...miss you.

Edited at 2008-01-09 03:46 pm (UTC)
1/9/08 19:49 (UTC) - Re: You can take the girl outta New York -

freedom rings - definitely not my style, but i'll see if i can't figure something out (hmmm... maybe a discreet pink triangle somewhere) - and girls are usually equally on my mind with boys, and i tend to look for both in the g/i scene - for some reason i'm more comfortable with the personalities - that said one of these days we are going to make it to a gay club again

huh - curious about who i've impressed enough to say that (blush)

(Deleted comment)
1/9/08 19:50 (UTC)
thanks much ;)
1/9/08 16:22 (UTC)
I'd agree with the others to be upfront. Even if you're not ready for a relationship (and i can relate!), it's harmless to ask someone out on a date. It doesn't imply anything other than, "date."

I have a few friends who are poly. Honestly, there's some attraction in someone who can glean what they want from multiple sources. But speaking as a single largely-gay serial monogamist girl, I'd also offer that primacy is so, so sexy. You'd think that in California there'd be more men/women who are more open-minded than I, though?

I know my friend sarah is committed to having a boy and a girl. She's married. She's also stable, wonderful, and completely emotionally available. LOL, have you met her?

oh, good luck, Kim! I would just continue to ask people out or ask them over for parties/dinners. I've gotten to know women that way, & it's a harmless, less scary way of showing interest.

1/9/08 19:52 (UTC)

and as for open relationship that's different than poly - i had a primary in my last relationship, plus a regular gf and several repeat partners; not sure i'm ready for a primary again yet, but i suspect that in time i will be

don't know if i've met sarah or not, but if she's back east that's too far ;)
1/9/08 20:29 (UTC)
yeah, she's far.

You are wonderful, nice, & wholly without sarcasm - it's rare to find that anywhere, that sense of sincerity, so for you it's just a matter of time. I feel you, though; I've not met many people who've "responded" to my requests for quality time... In the end, though, the people who don't have game are the ones who'll be honest enough for me.

life's too short for games! xoxo, much love! -jennifer
1/9/08 20:09 (UTC)
I can relate only a little - as someone in the scene too long, if I was going to sleep with them there is a good chance that I either have, would not, or think they would not. Ugh. A new city would help my life, but like you I have none of those approach skills.

As for open - good luck with that. I can totally imagine myself doing something with someone in an open relationship, or in a group situation, as I'm probably not ready for real dating yet. However, think about the health risks...how can you possibly justify the health risks associated with partners just for a fling? When you can't test for herpes or hpv with any degree of accuracy, how anyone finds time for open relationships and group things is beyond me.

Well unless they already have herpes and assume or know they have hpv, in which case they really only have to worry about the hep diseases and HIV, or things you can cure.

Nothing fucks up your sex life like a little medical knowledge.
1/9/08 21:00 (UTC)
lol - safe sex is definately a must, and i only fool around with people i already know and trust so i don't worry too much about that - it's actually something i do discuss with my partners and i think i'm a pretty good judge of people so it's a calculated risk these days (one i'm more than willing to take)
1/9/08 23:11 (UTC)
Man - Not only do I not 'have game', I can't find anybody on the playing field that I want to bother getting to know as a friend, much less being comfortable enough to take them home and molest them with an oven mit and salad tongs.

Plus - I also suck at teh flirting. I'll get intersted in a guy, then when I sense a returned interest, I flee. It terrifies me. *laughs*

I hope that the prospective dates work out, honey! :)