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asleep at mal 9/09
states of mind... 
4/22/09 3:32
asleep at mal 9/09
a few weeks ago jericho_the_red posted Alumiere: this is an observation I made in a dream that you did a special guest spot in - the practice of Mevlevi is one of the methods used to try to reach religous ecstasy through Dance (Whirling Dervish). And this is what I think of when you post about going out and dancing that it's your way of communing with the divine..

she's right - that's what dancing does for me in a way - at least when the music is on, my head is clear, and i'm in a safe place and not hurting too much - it's almost a form of meditation, a release, a sharing of energy and emotion with the people i'm surrounded by regardless of whether they're people i know or not...

sunday at mal for the first time in weeks i actually spent about 10 minutes there early in the evening - it felt so good to be there - everything just clicked; the stress, the problems, the pain, thoughts about everything other than the music and the movement and the joy that i feel when i'm there were gone

but it's been weeks since i've gotten there at all, and months since it's lasted more than a song or two - i know it's not the music; it's partly physical pain which makes it hard to let go, but it's also that i can't get my head clear and keep it there for any length of time these days

no matter what i try, take or skip pain and anti-anxiety meds before the club (those are optional and seem to make almost no difference), cocktails to make me relax or no drinks at all, having an audience or not (yes, that can help - i sometimes feed off other people's feelings/emotions) the joy never comes or it's gone way too fast - and i don't know how to fix this

which probably has something to do with how i reacted to another journal posting...

a friend recently posted about a movie clicking and suddenly they were remembering how to dream, to want and how losing that skill/emotion was bad... and i responded

i soo understand this; i thought i'd gone thru the numb, the hopeless, the depressed, and gotten back to where i felt like myself, to where i was dreaming and planning and living when we finally got my meds under control after i moved to la

if you figure out how to keep the dreaming, the wanting alive, please share it with me? i've lost it again...

i've been trying everything i can think of, my friends can suggest, working with my doc (and making changes that should make me feel better - like quitting smoking - 9 days now and upping my exercise even more) but i'm feeling so fried and down that while i can hope intellectually that things will improve, but i can't feel it (or anger, or want or even sad that i can't feel...)

it's killing me slowly, and i have no fucking idea what will fix this; the clinical term is lack of affect, and i know any/all of the illness/syndromes i've got can present this as a symptom, but i'm being treated for them and i'm still numb and for lack of a better word, blank...

i'm certain this is aggravated by stress (as are my medical problems) and there's an endless amount of that coming my way from the east coast; apparently 3000 miles away isn't far enough - if i could feel, i know i'd be kicking myself for being the good guy for far too long and furious about his behavior; as it is, i'm fighting because intellectually i refuse to let him walk without paying off his bills and my logical mind says i should be angry at being treated this way so don't let this drop
4/22/09 11:29 (UTC)
i wish i had something useful to pass on to you. all i can offer is that i can relate in many ways. my own recent struggle with anxiety and the dull fog has prevented me from venturing out for months. maybe the stress of the unhappy dissolution of a long term relationship contributes to this? i do not know.
but you are not alone.
*hugz and small stinky dog kisses*
4/22/09 15:01 (UTC)
have you checked out a vit. D deficincy?
or maybe omega 3 fatty acid..

I have a problem absorbing vit D- and the symptoms are very similar to what you describe.. everyone has different 'OK"
levels, what's good for one might not be the correct level
for another.

good luck
4/22/09 16:09 (UTC) - i recommed
a good trip out to the desert - the stars and moon have a way of healing ones soul - and io be you figured i was gonna say something retarded like smoke crack didn't you
4/22/09 16:23 (UTC)
Want nothing. Be.
4/22/09 16:39 (UTC)
hmmm... i think we have different ways of looking at this

if i want nothing, i've stopped growing, learning, etc and am just doing what is necessary to survive, just getting by

i've been there too often and for too long; and i'm not happy to be back in that place; part of who i am when i'm functioning properly is a dreamer, someone who wants the impossible and goes after it even if she rarely attains those goals - to not want means something isn't right, only it's something i don't know how to fix

i can intellectualize things, and say i want this or dream of that, but that's not the same as feeling, as desire, as passion (or as anger, hatred, etc) - numb is not normal, and i don't like this at all (and no, it's not my meds; it's something else, something my meds can't/don't fix)
4/22/09 23:42 (UTC)
Well, I could be talkin' outta my ass, but if I had to guess:

You've been going. As long as I have known you, you have been going, & going, & kinetic & in motion. Some of that motion is good for you - like dancing - but some of it is literal motion, moving addresses, change of relationships. If this makes sense, what it sounds liek to me even apart form the pure stress of managing the various conditions (right with ya!) and struggling with mpney is - pure, deep burnout. the end of a coast; the end of a marriage, that keeps disappointing you with how much it hurts you; the end of the years of friendship that went with it; the friends that drifted away after you moved; change change change run move go. Even the good moving wears you down.

Perhaps a huge part of this is the divorce. You feel sorrow it didn't work out, but then responsibility on some level; & the sorrow doubles because it's not being resolved in an adult way. Plus its mismanagement hurts your real life; money, legal woe. It's draining.

Burroughs said something like: if after talking to someone for fifteeen minutes, you feel like you've lost a pint of plasma, avoid that presence. We don't like ot use the word "vampires" around here...

You will breathe again the moment the papers are signed; things are finalized, & the last of the tether drifts away. You also have the added stress of being laid off & trying to decide what to do about that: find work, disability, etc.

Major life choices many of us get to span out over decades, you've done over the past 4 years. ;)

& then when all that's settled, you need more afternoons in the hot tub w/ a book or dancing, less the past comin' to nip at you.

The physical stuff is all already hard; none of the above makes it easier.

But I'm glad you're talking about it; reaching out for warmth isn't just whining, BTW. :) XOXO

Lastly: Vitamin D deficiency is a problem for me too.
4/28/09 6:55 (UTC)
thanks - hanging in there; atm that's about as good as it gets