alumiere (alumiere) wrote,

states of mind...

a few weeks ago jericho_the_red posted Alumiere: this is an observation I made in a dream that you did a special guest spot in - the practice of Mevlevi is one of the methods used to try to reach religous ecstasy through Dance (Whirling Dervish). And this is what I think of when you post about going out and dancing that it's your way of communing with the divine..

she's right - that's what dancing does for me in a way - at least when the music is on, my head is clear, and i'm in a safe place and not hurting too much - it's almost a form of meditation, a release, a sharing of energy and emotion with the people i'm surrounded by regardless of whether they're people i know or not...

sunday at mal for the first time in weeks i actually spent about 10 minutes there early in the evening - it felt so good to be there - everything just clicked; the stress, the problems, the pain, thoughts about everything other than the music and the movement and the joy that i feel when i'm there were gone

but it's been weeks since i've gotten there at all, and months since it's lasted more than a song or two - i know it's not the music; it's partly physical pain which makes it hard to let go, but it's also that i can't get my head clear and keep it there for any length of time these days

no matter what i try, take or skip pain and anti-anxiety meds before the club (those are optional and seem to make almost no difference), cocktails to make me relax or no drinks at all, having an audience or not (yes, that can help - i sometimes feed off other people's feelings/emotions) the joy never comes or it's gone way too fast - and i don't know how to fix this

which probably has something to do with how i reacted to another journal posting...

a friend recently posted about a movie clicking and suddenly they were remembering how to dream, to want and how losing that skill/emotion was bad... and i responded

i soo understand this; i thought i'd gone thru the numb, the hopeless, the depressed, and gotten back to where i felt like myself, to where i was dreaming and planning and living when we finally got my meds under control after i moved to la

if you figure out how to keep the dreaming, the wanting alive, please share it with me? i've lost it again...

i've been trying everything i can think of, my friends can suggest, working with my doc (and making changes that should make me feel better - like quitting smoking - 9 days now and upping my exercise even more) but i'm feeling so fried and down that while i can hope intellectually that things will improve, but i can't feel it (or anger, or want or even sad that i can't feel...)

it's killing me slowly, and i have no fucking idea what will fix this; the clinical term is lack of affect, and i know any/all of the illness/syndromes i've got can present this as a symptom, but i'm being treated for them and i'm still numb and for lack of a better word, blank...

i'm certain this is aggravated by stress (as are my medical problems) and there's an endless amount of that coming my way from the east coast; apparently 3000 miles away isn't far enough - if i could feel, i know i'd be kicking myself for being the good guy for far too long and furious about his behavior; as it is, i'm fighting because intellectually i refuse to let him walk without paying off his bills and my logical mind says i should be angry at being treated this way so don't let this drop
Tags: deep? thoughts..., la life, medical

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