alumiere (alumiere) wrote,

more brain stuff

so this is one example of the types of mistakes i make when my brain decides it doesn't want to work right and i don't realize it (minor compared to some of the incidents)

i wrote a check to my former work for some taxes that needed to be paid; this is what they sent me back...

We received your check, unfortunately, we cannot cash it. The amount on the check is 1343.97 but you wrote out “thirteen and 43/97”. Our bank will not allow us to deposit this check, since the written out amount does not match the numerical amount.

If you would send a new check, we can void this check and send it back to you.

i hadn't talked much about this at first because i thought it was temporary due to lack of sleep/exhaustion. and then because i was still working and didn't want work to know i was struggling this much (i spent more time double and triple checking myself to catch my errors) i still didn't talk about this. but the reality is that my ability to retrieve needed skills from long-term memory randomly disappears, my ability to push things from short to long-term memory doesn't always work - sometimes i'll find myself starting blankly at the computer screen or the laundry or a book and have no idea what i was doing or i'll read what i've just written and wonder who wrote that and what was i talking about...

i'm working closely with my doctors to try to treat this, but it's a guessing game and so-far we don't seem to be getting anywhere. i'm not sure if i'll keep posting about this or not, but it's having a pretty major impact on how i live (i rarely leave the house by myself anymore - what if i'm on the bike or even walking to the store and blank? my muscle memory seems to still work in that i can walk and talk etc, but my brain doesn't know how to read a map or remember where to turn to get home). i wouldn't hire myself for a job of any kind right now, and i'm really scared - what happens if we can't get this under control?

i hate feeling like i can't do things for/by myself, but more than that, i can't get past the thought that i'm growing stupid - and the bad days are way too frequent and the one "bright side" is:

one thing i have noticed is that i'm getting migraines, but when i have a migraine i don't seem to blank out/make mistakes/etc - so on those days i do what i can to minimize the pain, turn the lights down and dim the computer screen and get stuff done - but a migraine being a good thing? yeah, right
Tags: medical

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