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asleep at mal 9/09
alumiere
angry enough to "spit nails" 
10/28/09 16:39
asleep at mal 9/09
i just got a court filing from my ex that was so full of half truths and untruths that i cannot believe he filed it...

especially infuriating was this:

he states that i can travel by myself based on the fact that i was in md in august with my boyfriend who was vacationing with me and did all the driving, etc (as he does all the driving here in la or other friends pick me up); the fact that i attended events including a club night and renfaire while i was visiting; and that I sometimes use twitter, etc. during business hours

and i'm not sick because there are pictures of me at clubs - where i am frequently incoherent (and i do not like that this happens but it's a fact of life at this time), asleep on a couch, in the bathroom thowing up dinner/meds, or in too much pain to walk around let alone dance - but this is my only social interaction most of the time so i do go out when someone is willing to take me and i'm not feeling too nauseous

that written documentation or phone testimony of my illness is not acceptable because "there is insufficient proof of who is testifying. Additionally, Ms. Turner seems to be able to attend events which do require a certain level of physical activity." (nowhere have i ever said i was bedridden or unable to walk/do limited physical activity - i've said i cannot travel by myself because of my memory problems)

so...

i wish i wasn't such a "good guy" when i moved to la, that i had demanded he buy me out of the house and that i be given half the property (or paid for it) when i moved; and i recommend anyone who is going through a split, even with a good friend insist on half the minute you no longer co-habitate
Comments 
10/29/09 6:51 (UTC)
so you can travel by yourself based on the fact that you have travelled with accompaniment in the past?

if you want to put together a list of people who can state that they've seen you at clubs and you're not exactly bouncing all around the place, you can put me on it.
10/29/09 7:04 (UTC)
thanks sweetie - if it comes down to that i'll ask you and some others including james (our off duty policeman/head of secrity) for affidavits regarding my behavior at the clubs
10/29/09 9:39 (UTC)
That's probably a strong argument in court - I realize it is important to you, but I think most people/courts would find the argument that your nightclub attendance means you either aren't sick or that you are showing energy when it comes to fun activity. Many people wouldn't have the energy for nightclubs at all without being sick - you talk about being barely able to move yet you go out of the house for clubs. Making the argument has you doing a lot of spinning to explain why it isn't what it would appear to the court. It's obviously an effective strategy.
10/29/09 10:07 (UTC) - i know you're a lawyer and trying to help...
i'd agree with you if i were claiming i don't leave the house because of exhaustion or pain; that's not the case and is not something i've ever said

i don't leave the house unattended because too many days i spend at least a few hours blankly doing nothing (and this is not asleep or those people who nap uncontrollably) or doing things but i have no idea i'm doing them at all and i "come to" having screwed it up or injured myself doing something as simple as making a salad; i don't even know when the blanks happen some of the time, and other than the apparent connection between having a migraine and not being stupid i have no indicators when they'll occur; i cannot drive like this (what happens if i blank when i'm in traffic); i cannot walk to the corner store like this (once not knowing where i was/what i was doing/how to get home was enough, and t was there, just ran to the car for something); i cannot remember important things (like how to write a check); etc

and even when my mind isn't blanking out, it's often fuzzy or foggy and i can't concentrate or remember things i should know

and my ex seems to be treating this like something i've made up to inconvenience him (written/phone testimony from the doctors isn't acceptable? so what, i can only be sick if i fly the specialists to md for the hearing?)

i do get what you're saying, but i honestly don't see how managing to get out to a club (with an escort as my only social interaction) makes me safe to drive, to travel across the country by myself, to appear in court and represent myself properly when it's memory and brain function failures that are the problem
10/29/09 10:17 (UTC) - Re: i know you're a lawyer and trying to help...
i'd love for this not to be the case btw, if i thought i could go to md and the hearing safely and properly represent myself i would do it in a heartbeat - because if that were possible, it would mean the doctors have figured out what's wrong and found a treatment that works

however, since they have no idea wtf is causing this (but they keep trying new things and running new tests) and it's ridiculously tough to diagnose this many co-morbid conditions properly that hasn't happened (although we now know it's not ovarian or breast cancer, and as adderall doesn't seem to help it's probably not just "fibro fog")
10/29/09 11:29 (UTC)
Well - to see it move away from your perspective and explanation, and try to imagine what someone who doesn't know you would perceive the situation. Once you hear "Goes out to nightclubs" it's hard to imagine "sick" for the average person. If you say "I can't go to court in MD" but then "I can visit MD to see friends and go to parties" it puts you in a position where you appear inconsistent. Your issue is how to make that make sense to that judge.

Not arguing, but you sound amazed that he would make this argument. It's probably important to keep that outside-your-head perspective on how it could be perceived by others. If you have doctor testimony that explains how these two things are true at the same time then that is something to pursue; even so, it's a tough sell you've got to make.
(Deleted comment)
10/29/09 20:00 (UTC)
i do get what both of you are saying re: judge/court looking at this

but he reads my posts just like both of you do, as does his gf (who made a comment recently about understanding how tough this must be as she has lived with MS for years), so he knows my going out to clubs has nothing to do with my memory issues

and that's what has me pissed - he knows the facts, he's seen me go to clubs when we were together in spite of the pain (and it's hurt to dance since i was in my mid 20's, but there is no fix for the problems so i deal with it as i cannot give up dancing - it is the only place i find my center when things are bad, and helps me keep my rational, calm side the public face all the time); hell - i know he remembers the running joke w/ adam & dj michael that they hadn't done their jobs if i could walk up the steps at orpheus and collect my coat at the end of the nite

when we went to amusement parks, traveled, anything that required significant walking i always took a cane and loaded down on pain meds to allow me to do that which he's always known to be normal for me - so he's knowingly, falsely equating me going out to dance with me not being ill and that is bullshit

the pain has been a constant in my life for 20+ years now, and i don't like it, but it's something i refuse to allow to shut down my life (although it does create obstacles i have to figure out); the memory loss is new in the past yearish, unrelated to the pain (obviously since the pain has been around for 20 years), and is something that is shutting me off from lots of things that are normal parts of my life (and yes, i can prove it, everyone in who's ever gone to a freak day and seen me out at a club has asked about the cane at some point, and i can at least get records from my last doctor in md and my docs in la that show the long history of pain treatments)

Edited at 2009-10-29 08:09 pm (UTC)
10/29/09 20:18 (UTC)
but, i should say thank you both as well for pointing out that his false reasoning needs to be addressed

i'll start working on gathering that information and getting notarized statements from friends to address this issue, and i'll contact my doc in md and get a full copy of my medical record along with a summary of my problems and the treatments (which have included pain meds, physical therapy, massage therapy, and tens treatments while i was with z)
11/2/09 17:51 (UTC) - Yeah. :/
Woman. Everything you just said about splitting things in half when he moved out, we talked about at the time. I have never been sorrier to be right. But I'm only saying that to second what you just said: love isn't enough when things fall apart. Blame is unimportant, initially: just stay civil long enough to disentangle yourselves in a practical way, ie yer money & possessions, then if more action needs to happen, then get legal. Well said.

Don't beat yourself up over it, though. Zooom definitely gave the impression, & said several times, that he wanted to be friends, try to make a go of it at the house, etc. It's not like it wasn't just what he asked for & wanted.

This is all just chestpuffery designed to stare you down. i wish there was someone in the MD area who was a freelancer or even between gigs right now, who yo could stay with & they could ferry you around from address to address for a few weeks..long enough to get the first parts done anyhow.

I *hate it* that geography is getting in the way of what's fair here, but that's always the way. Hey, you had to go for the West Coast, clearly it's there that your tribe is. & if you had this combination of stuff wrong w/ you already when you left, thank goodness you now live somewhere routinely warmer. I shudder to think how bad things would be for you if you were still somewhere with actual winter.

Yeah, that's right, Kim, you should utterly stop going to clubs. *eyeroll & blush* I wondered this aloud to a pal in the car over the weekend, but even as I voiced the idea timidly - in a, wouldn't it be more restful to just sack out at home kind of way, as the words hit the air, I realized how false they were. I didn't argue that point when friend B piped up how ridiculous of a thought that was; that you were getting rides, & an escort, to/from, there wasn't that much else you could do & we both know, without saying, the pleasure a gorgeous creature such as yourself must take in the ritual of getting ready to go out. :) That itself must warm the heart & help a little w/ the memory.

So, sorry I even thought that for a half of a moment. Just worrying about you. But then to see how he said it & meant it..just fills me with grrr.

Hang in there babe. Don't let this grind you down. Keep posting, stay focused, & be patient with yourself.

*sending you sleepy but serious mojo*