alumiere (alumiere) wrote,

further post on why i still go out to clubs in spite of pain/illnesses

as i've said before that's the only social interaction i get irl rather than online; i cannot spend 24x7 cooped up in the apartment without going crazy

and the reality is that i'm sick and/or in pain all the time so going out to a club while i'm sick/in pain has been the norm for years as it makes no difference in me being sick/in pain (i have chronic systemic candidia, auto-immune thyroid disease, arthritis, cfs and fibromyalgia - there are no cures for any of these problems), but it does keep me from losing my mind or getting so depressed i give up

i've been barely hanging on since last fall/winter when finances got bad and i had to stop taking some of the recommended meds due to cost, the depression is back and seems worse than before i moved to la, and that small bit of interaction at the club is the last piece of me i've got once again (i felt the same way before i moved to la - that dancing was all i had left, then things got better until late 2008 in spite of the issues with my health) - if i give dancing up i might as well be dead and probably would be very soon; it's the one place where i'm truly able to let go and just be for a short while

a friend once made a comment that my dancing often looks like a whirling dervish (, and she's right in that dancing is the closest i come to any sort of worship - certainly if i were going to a shaker church and dancing and speaking in tongues, or if i were part of mevlevi temple no-one would question that, so why is the fact that i chose to dance in a nightclub unacceptable because i'm sick/in pain? dancing makes the pain irrelevant for a short time and that is reason enough for me to fight so hard to keep dancing (not to mention the fact that being able to dance is my prime motivation to work out regularly which is strongly recommended for fibro patients)

in addition, i cannot further isolate myself while continuing to fight my ex, fight for my health, fight with the insurance company, fight to get better - i know it's going to hurt, that i'm going to be tired, but that is the case whether i go out or not... and on the nights when i'm not feeling too horrible i get to dance for more than a song or two, and i hit that spot where the problems don't matter, i re-center myself a bit, and i go home recharged emotionally so i can continue the battle

i've talked about dance before, and what it does for me hasn't changed, although it is often very hard to get to that center these days, dance and rock climbing (which i can no longer do thanks to the arthritis and chronic pain) are the only places i've ever found it

and that, ladies and gentlemen, is why i dance
Tags: la life, medical

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