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asleep at mal 9/09
further post on why i still go out to clubs in spite of pain/illnesses 
10/31/09 15:52
asleep at mal 9/09
as i've said before that's the only social interaction i get irl rather than online; i cannot spend 24x7 cooped up in the apartment without going crazy

and the reality is that i'm sick and/or in pain all the time so going out to a club while i'm sick/in pain has been the norm for years as it makes no difference in me being sick/in pain (i have chronic systemic candidia, auto-immune thyroid disease, arthritis, cfs and fibromyalgia - there are no cures for any of these problems), but it does keep me from losing my mind or getting so depressed i give up

i've been barely hanging on since last fall/winter when finances got bad and i had to stop taking some of the recommended meds due to cost, the depression is back and seems worse than before i moved to la, and that small bit of interaction at the club is the last piece of me i've got once again (i felt the same way before i moved to la - that dancing was all i had left, then things got better until late 2008 in spite of the issues with my health) - if i give dancing up i might as well be dead and probably would be very soon; it's the one place where i'm truly able to let go and just be for a short while

a friend once made a comment that my dancing often looks like a whirling dervish (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mevlevi_Order), and she's right in that dancing is the closest i come to any sort of worship - certainly if i were going to a shaker church and dancing and speaking in tongues, or if i were part of mevlevi temple no-one would question that, so why is the fact that i chose to dance in a nightclub unacceptable because i'm sick/in pain? dancing makes the pain irrelevant for a short time and that is reason enough for me to fight so hard to keep dancing (not to mention the fact that being able to dance is my prime motivation to work out regularly which is strongly recommended for fibro patients)

in addition, i cannot further isolate myself while continuing to fight my ex, fight for my health, fight with the insurance company, fight to get better - i know it's going to hurt, that i'm going to be tired, but that is the case whether i go out or not... and on the nights when i'm not feeling too horrible i get to dance for more than a song or two, and i hit that spot where the problems don't matter, i re-center myself a bit, and i go home recharged emotionally so i can continue the battle

i've talked about dance before, and what it does for me hasn't changed, although it is often very hard to get to that center these days, dance and rock climbing (which i can no longer do thanks to the arthritis and chronic pain) are the only places i've ever found it http://alumiere.livejournal.com/312746.html

and that, ladies and gentlemen, is why i dance
11/1/09 3:04 (UTC)
11/1/09 22:58 (UTC)
thank you - that does in part explain what i'm talking about
11/1/09 6:14 (UTC)
I'm glad you still worship
11/1/09 22:58 (UTC)
me too
11/1/09 22:44 (UTC) - response to an email about my clubbing
yeah - i get what you're saying, but there's just no way to hide that i do go to clubs, and it's not solely about wanting to go for me - if i can't go out after about two weeks i start to lose control of my emotions and thoughts turn toward self destructive behavior; dancing has gotten me through pretty much everything bad in my life, and for 20 of those years dancing has hurt; but never as much as not dancing does - so it goes

i guess i'm just frustrated that he's taken this thing that has always been important to my sanity and has been an "i dance in spite of..." since before i ever met him and i've gone dancing regularly (and usually without him - he stopped enjoying it after tracks closed) the entire time he's known me and turned it into something that proves i'm completely healthy which has never been the case

but also, lately, i find myself wanting to give up because i'm tired of fighting and some of this is me reminding myself that even sick/in pain/too stupid to carry on a conversation - i can still dance which means it's not quite time to quit

and the conversation here is in fact causing me to add a few things to my posts - because yes, he can/will cherry pick whatever i write and try to use it against me, but if he tries to do that i can pull up the entire thread and show that it was clearly taken out of context - anyone who knows me knows that falling asleep at the club was not normal until recently, that not having the energy to dance to more than a couple of songs is not normal, but that going out to dance is for lack of a better word a ritual i can't put aside