?

Log in

No account? Create an account
asleep at mal 9/09
alumiere
I hate this... 
11/25/09 7:29
asleep at mal 9/09
I just read a long post about an online friend's wedding, which made me cry a lot.

Ten years ago my partner and I were putting together our wedding, making sure that it would be a perfect day (it wasn't quite perfect; rain moved the ceremony indoors), and talking about how in ten years we wanted to have a huge anniversary party at the same location with all our friends and family there. In May 2000, after years together, I married my best friend, because he convinced me that we'd be together forever.

And now? Now, I'm going through a seriously ugly divorce, he's refused to pay bills that were in my name but for the house he lived in (and he was collecting rent to pay said bills). My ex (who on some level I still fucking miss - wtf is wrong with me? - how can I miss even my best friend when he's obviously someone I didn't know or he wouldn't do this?) has done things that have cost me huge amounts of money, but more devastating he's done things that have made my already bad health worse.

And he continues to waste my time, the court's time, my attorney's time with bullshit filings and offers that are unreasonable beyond belief. I've been trying to wrap my head around his behavior and actions since spring 2008 when he started blaming me for the fact that he couldn't afford to keep our house without me paying for it, but I keep failing.

How does one cope with the fact that the person you've loved, the person you've bent over backwards to help, the partner you tried to give the world to turns into someone you don't want to know?

And now, instead of planning that 10 year anniversary party; inviting friends and family to come celebrate with us; I'm trying to build a new life for myself. Only I can't do that because the ex won't negotiate a reasonable settlement, and seems to think that he doesn't need to pay his bills.

I know damn well that he's hoping I'm too sick to deal with this anymore and sign off on his ludicrous offer, or that the case will get decided without me because I can't get to MD for the hearing, or that I'll appear but be unable to represent myself since I have memory loss. Taking advantage of the fact that I'm sick to avoid paying for your bills? Sorry, but that's wrong.

I seem to remember you doing something incredibly stupid back in the day (at Trax), and me bailing you out. That incident was over a few hundered dollars someone owed you - so tell me, how is what you're doing now acceptable?
Comments 
11/25/09 16:34 (UTC)
Gah, I'm so sorry this has become increasingly ugly.
I know it's hard, but do try and stay the course.
I love you honey, and while I know I've been a bit absent this year (whiplash is a bitch, nuff said), but I've never stopped rooting for you.
11/26/09 6:53 (UTC)
I know - and thank you. I will get through this, but it's wicked tough.
11/25/09 17:39 (UTC)
If it helps to know - what he is doing makes sense from a legal perspective. Many people in this type of situation can and should hire an attorney and turn the matters over to him/her. The attorney should make every argument they can to gain the maximum position for their client - and do so in their name but without involving them any more than necessary. If it helps you think about it, most of the action isn't "him" doing things but the fact he's hired someone to cover the issues for him.

This doesn't change the battle any, but maybe helps how you feel?

It wouldn't hurt to do the same thing in return, if that is possible. Better yet would be a joint amenable solution of course but it doesn't sound like that's what you two can do.
11/26/09 2:54 (UTC)
I have an attorney, but he doesn't; so every time he makes a patently ludicrous settlement it wastes my time and her time.
11/26/09 12:44 (UTC)
So much for "legal" advice :(
Sorry to hear that. Worth a shot.
11/25/09 23:39 (UTC)
I understand, and agree with Vicar's advice. Get an attorney to protect you.
11/26/09 2:54 (UTC)
I have an attorney, but he doesn't; so every time he makes a patently ludicrous settlement it wastes my time and her time.
(Deleted comment)
11/26/09 2:55 (UTC)
I have an attorney, but he doesn't; so every time he makes a patently ludicrous settlement it wastes my time and her time.
11/26/09 14:06 (UTC)
I'm sorry for you, babe. I hope this process will end for you soon and with good results.

I will say this, in the time I've known your ex, he's changed a lot and 10 years is a long time for changing. When I met him and in the early years of knowing him, he had a reputation for selfish and inappropriate behavior. After your wedding he seemed to flourish, to mature. I saw him mend a lot of friendships and build relationships with people that wouldn't normally have gotten to know that. I'm sure that in no small part involved your influence.

He seems to have been reverting since I left DC, or maybe even changing in other ways. He was never good at evaluating his actions to try to understand how it would affect those around him. More than once you had to keep him from trying to sleep with one of my girlfriends, or even from hitting on them in front of me. And I think that selfishness was always something he struggled with. I didn't mean for this to turn in to an attack on him, but I do think that you had a very positive influence on his life, and a lot of what is going on is his response to the lack of that influence.
(Deleted comment)
12/4/09 21:05 (UTC)
I understand, and thanks for dropping by. In some ways I think it would be even harder if he'd died; I wouldn't feel right being this angry with him if he weren't here anymore.