alumiere (alumiere) wrote,

On fairness and lack thereof...

jaylake posted "A[n]... epiphanette concerning fairness" - And it elicited a fairly stong response from me.

I suspect a lot of it is differences in life experience, but my attitude for as long as I can remember has been a variation of "life sucks, then you die." I'm a bit less of a pessimist than that quote may indicate, but the reality is that shit happens to everyone, and that happiness requires effort. It's okay from my POV to be angry/sad/whatever about the crap in our lives and the world.

But it's not all right to totally give up, even if you can only make small shit better. I used to want to change the world; now I think the best I can do is change my corner of it and make a tiny dent in the larger world. And to select the corners I choose to occupy with care (which is a privilege like you wouldn't believe, but I'll take the extra points thank you) - if I can only fix the little stuff then it's easier to chose a community where there isn't too much for me to be angry about as home. And that gives me a safe place to begin when I have energy to work on changing the larger world.

Here is my comment to Jay...

I allow myself to think what is happening is unfair, because it is. I didn't expect to live to 40, but once I got past that and had shit together after so much hard work I didn't expect to have all this crap go wrong either.

Some of it is just luck of the draw, and that's not what is unfair... but the parts that are because I was misdiagnosed and given the wrong treatment for roughly a decade? Unfair. The fact that my reaction to Lyrica was so fubar, and that other patients had similar problems but not often enough that it was posted? Unfair. That the damage is permanent is inexplicable to my doctors (when I can afford them) and totally bullshit.

But unfair or not, this is where I am. A lot of the time it sucks, but I do my best everyday to be happy that I am still here and to be thankful for the good stuff. I keep my anger and frustration online as much as possible and when I can't I vent to people rather than taking it out on them or myself. I struggle with keeping the anger in check sometimes, but I try to use it as a motivater rather than stewing.

I know I fail at getting it right, but at least I know who I am and I am handling life in the best way for me. That doesn't mean this is the right way for anyone else. And there is constant fear that the memory loss will take who I am away - so I fight to keep going without overwriting my underlying personality in an attempt to handle it more gracefully.

Thank science and geeks for the internet - it lets me say what I want without being a constant pain in the ass to those around me. I don't seem to have the energy or brainpower to write as much as I'd like, but it's good to have the option.
Tags: deep? thoughts..., medical

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