alumiere (alumiere) wrote,

An apology or two...

First, I'm sorry I haven't been here much lately - I've had a ridiculous couple of months and my tablet is broken which makes getting on here to read/post hard. But I need to get back in the habit of checking in; I miss this place. And below is an apology to all those who've been seeing my venting f2f, on failbook or twitter this week - I'm working on it.

Hi all, I wanted to apologize for being off kilter, angry and talking too much about how rough my body was being all week. It's been a while since I've had a stretch quite this bad, where I hurt at such a high level for so much time and it's been really fucking with me. I have bad days all the time, but I usually get good for me days in between, which means I don't get into this loop of it hurts too much to push through like this week was.

At any rate, I'm feeling much more myself today (thank fuck), and I plan to try to be more aware of how often I'm venting in a non-productive way the next time it happens. Oh, and someone asked me to explain my pain scale last night, so here's one way to look at it:…/a-new-better-p…/ Or specifically for me, I start an excellent day at a 5, which is I hurt, but I can get some shit done. An 8 was when I fractured my hip as well as when they burned off the surface of my uterus with a laser - for me that's I'm nauseous and fucking fuck but I can deal. 9+ is I hurt so bad I'm throwing up from the pain, and I can't get it under control right now; I've had spikes to 11(that bar was set with an ovarian cyst the size of my fist - the only occasion pain drove me to an ER) a few times this week, and it broke my cope and push through ability for a little bit, but today I'm starting at a 6 and I am going to take it easy to give body a chance to recover.

Anyway, I'll try to do better and not get so swamped with my broken - I didn't realize I was being so weird until I woke up this morning remembering bits of last night. And thank you all for caring, making sure I'm okay, listening, giving me rides and all the other things you've done that helped me get through this week and life in general. My friends/chosen family are amazing and I'm ridiculously glad I've got you around.

edited to add (from failbook conversation):
an addendum: i didn't post this to make anyone feel bad for me, or think i'm brave or strong or whatever, and it's not about any particular interaction. just that i was off, out of it, and probably whiny which i don't like. also, the pain scale stuff is how i cope with my usual multiple daily doses of nsaid and muscle relaxer - even a 5 is rough without meds.

i don't feel bad sharing, more that i think i frightened/worried some folks this week who hadn't seen me like this - in all honesty (in hindsight) i shouldn't have gone out, but i needed the company. and then i was so fuzzy i wasn't myself, and unlike a 'normal' bad day i totally failed at covering/keeping it together.
Tags: la life, medical, personal/tmi

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