alumiere (alumiere) wrote,

fuck... this is the wrong kind of adrenaline

note: fear/terror, sexual harassment, guns, potential gun violence, threats of rape

so a few minutes ago i was checking failbook for a distraction as i was already nearly at full on flight or fight mode because neighbors are having a piercing shrieks, screaming, throwing shit at walls fight; there's not much to be done other than hope they calm down or one of them leaves for a while. and several people posted a meme/experiment that said something close to 'like this if you've never had a gun pulled on you, share it if you have'.

and then that flashback flooded in, something i probably couldn't have remembered yesterday, and will no doubt be gone again tomorrow, and i'm ready to jump out of my skin. entitled asshole guy, my friend and i weren't interested, politely said so, that didn't work, i grew less and less polite, he finally walked down the road home, we were glad he left. his/my/our friends left too (we were outside my college apartment chatting with a group). and then he returned with a gun and started getting really scary. he really wanted us and kept threatening, i kept trying to calm him down while my friend called the sheriff who was no-where near of course, and when he finally got to my place he finished talking asshat down then gave us the boys will be boys lecture - i'm not sure who i was more angry at - guy with gun or sheriff. i can't remember most names, just a youngish blonde guy, skinny and angry who would not take no from me and my friend - for some reason he thought we were a couple who'd like a guy in between, and that lezbos like us should be happy for the attention and the usual macho bullshit. not a big deal in the grand scheme of shit, but it slammed into me like a pack of bricks just now, and i need to get it out.

i have repeatedly mentioned that i'm rather an adrenaline junky, but this is not what i meant. normally that meme would have been an oh yeah, that happened. and oh, for all that i've lived in 'high crime' areas of big cities much of my adult life, the only time i've ever had a gun pulled on me it was a white male asshat in nearly the middle of nowhere country that it happened. instead i got the jolt of adrenaline and a bad memory and angry and shaking; if i actually think about it some guy was threatening our lives because we wouldn't give him sex, and that was just boys will be boys; we still seem to treat such incidents that way if it's a white kid. or at best when he does actually act on his misogynistic understanding of the world and kills someone or many someones he's mentally ill. nope, but our society has a major problem with toxic masculinity and it's infuriating.

btw, i'm sure this could be better written, but if you want to share it feel free. this kind of shit happens endlessly, and we as a society don't seem to notice or we let it drop as inconsequential. another point in the rounds of discussions - it shows that almost nothing has changed since the early 80's except now we can write about it online, and record it with cell phone video if we're lucky. if i'd had a similar camera (they didn't exist then) and the presence of mind to record it would have been supremely interesting source material for one of my angry film school projects a few years later (also the 80's).
Tags: deep? thoughts..., memes & writers block, personal/tmi, political

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