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asleep at mal 9/09
alumiere
interesting conversation w/ stacia... 
7/18/02 16:27
b&w

s: Why can't I be as calm and sensible and zenlike as thee?
me: hee hee hee... funny that zenlike/calm comment, nagamii just responded to a lj post with "do you ever not worry?"
me: tried to explain that i worry a bit more before a trip so i worry less once i arrive
s: Sure you do. Yer just cool enough to not fret the way us mortals so. You say calmly, I know I am stessing, and then qualify it with, but, people are just idiots. Or but, at least I have a job..you always find the positive, even if you don't feel it yourself right away, it helps settle you. So admire that. And yeah, with you on the fretting before, chilling afterwords, thing. :-)
me: i try... sometimes requires a major effort, but what good is manic stress? not productive, not healthy... took me a long time to learn how to do that though

this brought up a thought about who i am and how i became that way... as a kid i had a terrible temper, up through high school and the beginning of college i'd fly into rages, yell and scream and hit/break things (not people) entirely too easily... later in my college years i became active in various groups trying to change the world in hopes that would give me a place to channel my rage... but the activist groups are frequently as bad as the rest of the people out there... finally came to the conclusion that the world often sucks, people in general suck, life is unfair, and the best thing i can do to stay happy and sane is to make my little corner of the world the best one it can be... i think part of my "zen" comes from the fact that i've found a circle of friends i really love and who are intelligent and energetic and keep me engaged and make me think; that i've found a wonderful husband (i never in a million years thought i'd get married, but life works out that way sometimes) who shares some of my interests but when there are things we differ on we can do our own thing and be fine with it; and that i'm slowly making my little corner of the world a place i want to live in... i vote, i still participate in things i feel passionate about, but my life doesn't revolve around those things; my life revolves around my "family" and since i've chosen who those people are (and fairly wisely it seems) i can change the world that really matters to me... i've found it's much easier to control my temper when i let things i have no control over slide off my back and focus on the good things and on things i can control, no matter how small the influence on the real world... i've also found that if loosing my temper is a necessity (ie: being screwed on a hotel room; getting bad service in a restaurant; having my car break down right after it's been fixed, etc) i get better results from people because i'm generally calm, and even when mad these days i don't throw tantrums... i raise my voice a bit, explain what is unacceptable calmly, ask for a manager, and keep escalating the problem until i get a fair outcome... sometimes i wish there was a way to share this with other people; i'm happier now than i've ever been in my life, and i wish some of my friends would find a way to let go, i think they'd be pleased with the result in the long run